Saturday, July 31, 2010

Thoughts of a baseball pitcher

Yesah, Nosuh, I don't know which
The catcher seems uncertain when I pitch
Do I have the nerve
To throw a blooming curve
I need to develop a knuckle ball to have a niche

Too much of a good thing

Too much of a good thing

I ate at The Potato Mash
And saved a lot of cash
I ate many spuds
Beer and suds
Until I developed quite a rash

Noah's dilemma

Noah had an ark
That he couldn't park
With no marina near
His on sea career
Was about to go dark

Friday, July 30, 2010

Morning or Mourning

Morning or Mourning

Don't count on me if you die
I'm a bit too old to cry
I'm not a mourning person
Sadness makes me worsen
So I'll give you an advance good-bye

I like you
I really do
But I don't function well in the morning
It sneaks up on me without warning
And often I am blue

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Beware of teenage beauties!

Some beautiful women are nothing but jail bait
Touch them and you'll be honored with a jail mate
You'll be doing time
For a statutory crime
And when you get out, you might not be straight

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A guy in a polka dot tie

A guy in a polka dot tie
Had a job as a spy
As he worked out each intricate detail
He got further behind on his quail
And then everything went awry

A guy in a polka dot tie
Felt like he was about to die
With a staph infection
There was no injection
That anyone could apply

Wearing a tie

I wonder who created the need for a tie
I'd personally like to meet this guy
I really hate that knot
And any cravat ascot
I'd pop him one, right in the eye

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Life at the Roach Motel

Today I woke up in a seedy motel
That reminded me of a local jail cell
There were roaches on the floor
And mice by the score
I wasn't sure I was on earth or in hell

Monday, July 26, 2010

I don't shake up easily

I don't shake up easily

Some people become unglued
Whenever a cockroach is viewed
But I have a large selection
In my bug collection
And they are just part of my brood

Sunday, July 25, 2010

She's not affectionate

She's not affectionate

She's not what I would call warm
Her feelings have another form
But she will embrace
And cover me with grace
Whenever there is a bad storm

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I was sailing along

Ship happens, so I've been told
One day you're sailing along
Next you're out in the cold
When you're on a boat
You hope it will flow
Cause swimming with sharks
Is for whom the bell tolled

My dentist

My dentist is from the deep south
He seems so pleased when I open my mouth
Amid the decay and halitosis
He gets so excited he could get thrombosis
For in that valley so very wide
There's gold and silver deep inside
He is quite gentle and I feel no pain
As he uses his drill again and again
So I grab my tooth brush and the ointment
Because I don't want to be late for my appointment

Rewriting history

Rewriting history

I'll tell you a story
That won't be long
About some things
In history that don't belong

I was on deck that fateful day
It was very foggy and we lost our way
We hit an ice field. Yes we hit it hard
We tore off large chunks and just left a shard

The ice field's manager screamed "You have trespassed
Turn around" he said, "Or you'll be gassed"
So that is why I now have this cough
My captain laughed and then he scoffed

Yep I got ill on that very day
But I will sue, cause that's the American way

My thoughts when approaching a yield sign

If I yield to thee
I won't be free
But if I arrive
While still alive
Such rationale
I can contrive.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Limerick Time

Here's my sign
I like to dine
I exercise
because its wise
after I get out
of the chow line.

I'm wet behind the ears
I've been this way for years
But I can shop
Until I drop
Because I get my stuff from Sears

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Pass the back scratcher, please!

A woman I know who's a bitch
Tried hard to scratch her itch
It became such a pain
As she tried it again
That her body began to twitch

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My singing ability

I sing in a barbershop quartet
I began by losing on a bet
When I sing Sweet Adeline
Nearby animals begin to whine
As for matching Caruso, I'm no threat

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A relationship

A woman with sev’ral degrees
Was into the birds and the bees
She slept with her cat
who chased after a rat
and she woke up with the fleas

No barking allowed here

The feline world has imposed a "no barking" zone
And now my dogie communicates by cell phone
Whenever he's embarking
He's always remarking
About which butcher supplies the best bone

Monday, July 19, 2010

My dinner at the "All You Can Eat"

My dinner at the "All You Can Eat"

i just ate at an "All You Can Eat".
The clientele there was not petite
People ate many sweets
They just loved those treats
and when they looked down,
They could not see their feet

Saturday, July 17, 2010

This thought is brought to you by The City of Thought

Welcome to the town of Thought.
Please be as kind as you've been taught
If you aren't nice
You'll pay the price
And you may leave here overwrought

Friday, July 16, 2010

The "Yes Man"

My very best friend is a professional brown nose
He always says "yes", that's the role he has chose
He stridently follows the boss
Through gain or through loss
If he came from the front, he'd step on his toes

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Fractional difficulties

Five of every three persons have trouble with fractions
They are severely poor in mathematical transactions
If they'd learn to divide
They're problems would subside
And they'd be guilty of less monetary infractions

My insane hobby

Skiing on Mt Everest is the best
I challenge you fulfill this quest
We have to climb to get to the top
It's quite dangerous, so ignore the drop
Don't follow me if you're not obsessed

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The fear factor

When an iceberg hit the Titanic
The passengers began to panic
They had deep fear
Which was very clear
Of drowning in the Atlantic

R.I.P. George Steinbrenner

The Yankees are a great team
And they're usually up to steam
If you really wonder why
It's what money will buy
Big spending gets the cream

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Gore that ox

I saw an ox
Down by the docks
But now its meat
That I can eat
From my freezer box

Is anyone up for an oxymoron?

I did it "accidentally on purpose", what does that mean?
Take some "mind-expanding drugs" and see what we can glean
You are truly "my worst favorite" friend
We work in "military intelligence" without end
This poem has made me "mildly psychotic" but it's clean.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The dim wit

A guy with his foot in a cast
Had no interest in the past
He ignored parents and teachers
And all of the intelligent creatures
Thus his ineptitude was vast

Whole Hog

Pork is the other white meat
It's flavor is said to be a great treat
But if you are labeled a hog
You're treated like a dog
So is that really something you should eat?

A bit of whimsy

South pork is in the land down under
Why their actors are all hams I wonder
I bought a chop
At the butcher shop...
I'll get trichinosis if they blunder

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Don't pull the covers!

A gal who looked young for her years
Was saddened with many large tears
Each time she took a lover
He'd pull off the bed cover
And find her to be not as she appears

Today I went shopping

I went to the outlet mall
And I really had a ball
I bought electronics
And many telephonics
And I plugged them in the wall

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Jaimie Lee Curtis and Activa

I've got a really vicious case of the trots
I'm using paper hoping my butt clots
I just tried this regime
But I'm not on the beam
For Jaimie Lee I no longer have the hots

Judgemental criticism

2 of my friends quarreled over whether poetry should rhyme and if rhyming was necessary, not rhyming was a crime. Here is my take on it.

When is a rhyme a crime?
Is it nasty and covered with slime?
If it's his best work
Please don't be a jerk
It could turn out to be sublime.

Ace reporters

We are very essential to our group
We have no time to stop or even stoop
We keep reporting
While others are sporting
And in the end we get the scoop

The comet

I'm speeding through the frontier
Well above the earth's atmosphere
Where I'm going
I won't be knowing
When on Hubble I appear

Yea! I'm a father!

I was an old cell
On the path to hell
But since I divided
My anguish subsided
Now I feel really swell

Quotes from "The Diary of Octomom"

I wanted to be extremely fertile
So I never wore a tight girdle
I tried every position
To complete my mission
And I passed every hurdle

The under achiever

I lacked common sense
and I was very tense
But my doctor told me don't be glum
Because lad you're not really dumb
You are very dense.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Getting old is a bummer

I'm looking for something that I can't find
What is it? I don't know It slipped my mind
Getting old is a bummer
Especially in midsummer
Perhaps you can help remind me. Be kind!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I love the music of Kenny G

Kenny G has a remarkable sound
His musical ability will astound
His sound is so pure
Wild animals he can lure
They will walk tamed to the pound

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Miss Dorion Gray

A gal who looked young for her years
Than any of her old childhood peers
Her main reason to revel
Was a deal with the devil
She'll see hell when the smoke clears

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Mime issues

A mime tries not to talk
And wonders on a walk
Why others do not speak
And their outlook is bleak
When I get so close, I stalk

Monday, July 5, 2010

My review of Twilight films

Twilight is a movie that woman seem to love
To get their spouses to view it takes a shove
Men like to see
More activity
I think these movies should be banned by the Gov!

The beekeeper

I can't see the florist through the bees
It's just a little honey I want to tease
I never want to waste
So I don't rush in haste
When I smoke the hive I take what I can seize

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I'm so sleepy!

Sleep apnea often keeps me awake
I sleep so little I feel like a zombie sheik
If I could find a theme
To dream a perfect dream
Maybe science can give me a break

Entomology exposed

Entomology is truly my game
My collection of bugs brings acclaim
I get such a thrill
When I make a kill
An exterminator and I are nearly the same

When I grow up

When I grow up, I want to be
Something different, to a degree
I want to travel thru the land
Doing nothing that is bland
Wild and young and on a spree!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Pain issues

Jess is hurt from head to toe
His pain is both high and low
If it happens to me
I think we can agree
That I'd lose my get up and go!

Memories of Dragnet

"Just the facts Ma'am" Friday said
Now I see the victim is lying dead
If he was shot
While on the pot
Why is he on the floor spread?

All about Mike

I'll tell you a story about Mike
Sadly he was an illiterate tyke
He couldn't read
But he could feed
Now he's fertilizing down the pike

Friday, July 2, 2010

A time sharing pitch

Kindly please turn off your cell
Noises are what we want to quell
We want your full attention
At this important convention
Because we are here to sell

Calendar reminders

Thirty days hath September
Penned by Ben F in all his splendor
Most of his sayings are really cute
But this one especially is a beaut
Because it helps me plan and remember

Black people and camping out

Black people don't like to camp
They want to avoid the damp
But if white people go
They'll be there, Bro
So don't forget the battery lamp

The pig in me

Old songs bacon me back to the day
When petrol didn't consume a third of my pay
A pig was a pig was a pig
Organic food was not big
And terrorists didn't try to blow us away!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

My middle name

I hate my middle name!
My parents are to blame
They repeated my first
I feel forever cursed
It's a dirty rotten shame!

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
I hurt badly when it stung my shoulder
Getting hold of a bee
Takes real strategy
My mom hopes I get wiser when I'm older!

Brain burn out

On a hot muggy day in July
A pink elephant I did spy
When it gets really hot
My brain tends to clot
And I become a less rational guy!