I can't think straight!

I can't seem able to make up my mind
My thoughts and words are not aligned
I don't have words to talk
No not even to squawk
So in a sense, I'm speaking blind

Why I still have cable

I don’t have a dish, but I have cable
Weaning my wife off it I’m not able
But the internet connection is a treat
And high speed cable can’t be beat
It’s all sitting there on my table!

Those hot summer days

On a hot, muggy day in July
My A/C broke and I thought I'd die
So I called my regular insurance man
Blaming it on a storm was my plan
So everyone don't be shy, even you can
tell a lie!

My poem was just in jest. I do not really do things like that and hope that no one thinks ill of me!

Gay Pride Parade

I really enjoy and love a parade
but of attending one like this I'd be afraid
It's not that I'm a homophobe
I've got gay friends round the globe
but I don't want them to believe I can be swayed,

By the sea

I go swimming in the ocean
Every time I get the notion
Today I saw a swimming pig
Dressed in a fancy diving rig
And making a big commotion

My time as a plumber

We needed to unclog our pipe
So I decided to take a swipe
Why should we call the plumber
although you got his number
When I can clean out the tripe

Dangerous trivia games

We partied in Bolivia
I and my wife Olivia
But she got mad
When I flunked bad
At a game of marriage trivia!

Drunk as a skunk

A fellow who drank to excess
Got into a magnificent mess
His friends tied him to a chair
And he looked idiotic there
As he was left in a state of undress.

My prayer

I often pray while looking high
Above the earth, up in the sky
It seems to work
So I won't shirk
Thank heavens elephants can't fly!

Dealing with oppressive situations

Butt out alien, I was told
In a way hurtful and cold
So I got a group together
Who were birds of a feather
And changed how things were controlled.

The ventriloquist's origin

I've got a puppet on my knee
That I got for free
It speaks it's mind
while I'm behind.
It was made from an elm tree

Don't act on a whim

A woman succumbed to a whim
That’s a story that is quite grim
She wanted to be operated on in a cave
A hospital bed bill she thought she’d save
But the lighting was rather dim

Earth shoes

Earth shoes are so sublime
They help my feet all the time
They cushion my feet
In a way that's so neat
To lose them would be a crime!

My friend counts ants as a hobby

Counting ants seems like fun for the easily amused
But how many do you count when they are fused?
They need to have sex
Which may be complex
Please answer this question while you are enthused

Warming controversy

The earth is warming
It has been forming
For several eons
Don't blame us peons
For what nature is performing

Weather or not

Scientists study about the weather
Many of them are birds of a feather
They blame mankind
For troubles they find
Perhaps self-hate is their tether.

Who the h**l am I?

Who am I? What is me?
What things about me can you see?
I love to hear a bit of whit
In my mind it seems to fit
With poetry I feel free!

Columbus discovers Columbus

When Columbus sailed the sea
Was he looking for Earl Gray tea?
He lost his way
At an Ohio quay
Sailing all his vessels three

Do you have the blues?

If you are sadder
What's the matter
It's just a mood
So do not brood
Soon you'll feel gladder

Custer's last stand revisited

A peacenik sold lemonade
While hiding in the shade
The fans cheered Custer
With all they could muster
But he lost his whole brigade

The secret of a happy marriage

These are the lines of my life
I am happily married to my wife
We sleep in separate rooms
As our friendship blooms
It's a pleasure bereft of strife!

A fearful forecast

I dreamed about Attila the Hun
A leader who conquered and won
He defeated the Roman
I see the dream as an omen
For arming myself with a gun!

Assorted limericks

6/15/10


A pompous conductor named Claude
Led by a method that was flawed
As he raised his large baton
Whole groups he would con
Since they never guessed him a fraud.

A pompous conductor named Clyde
Stood close to the sea at high tide
When his baton was raised
People were always amazed
When they saw the seas start to divide

6/10/10
A fellow who had an affair
Never wore any underwear
When someone knocked on the door
He found dressing an impossible chore
So he left the place rather bare!

6/8/10
An infamous author named Gene
Was extremely callous and mean
He was a louse to his wife
For all their married life
Till she added arsenic to her cuisine.

6/3/10
A creative young woman named Ro
had to look high and low for a beau
Then she found an agreeable man
Who kept her treasures in a van
But he turned out to be a real shmoe!

5/27/10
A fellow who hated to clean
Angered his wife, Arlene
So he hired a young girl
Who did work in a swirl
Since she was juiced on caffein!

5/25/10
An elderly woman named Ellen
Wanted to circle the world
like Magellan
But she was too old
And not enough bold
To pay what the tourist
agent was sellen!

5/24/10
A hard-working fellow named Zeke…
Used to work every day of the week
But each night was for romance
And he would always dance
Together with his sweetheart
cheek to cheek!

5/20/10
A brassy old woman named Joan
Didn’t know corn from a pone
And when she ate grits
She most always had fits
Cause corn put her out of the zone.

5/12/10
A romantic young fellow named Will,
Used to bring his ladies to his still.
They greatly enjoyed his brew.
Made from the best mountain dew
which he tried very hard not to spill.