Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Clean my car

Why should I give my car a shine?
It's something to travel in
Not a shrine
I don't even give it a wash
And parade around it in my galosh
Just wait! It will be cleaned
By The Divine

Monday, August 30, 2010

Further Bun problems

A man who was known for his buns
Once mooned a busload of nuns
But he was observed
By a gay man who swerved
While out on one of his morning runs

Bun problems

A man who was known for his buns
Had a terrible case of the runs
He took kaopectate
At a dizzying rate
But all he got was re-runs

Hoarding addiction

You need to be able to throw things away
If you really want a place to stay
Clutter is a mess
You have at your address
So you have to lessen your cache

On target

I don't want to be your quarry
Being a a target can be gory
I'll shop at another store
Getting bargains that I adore
So hasta la vista morning glory

Running on empty

Slow but steady wins the race
Except when it's my wife,
I have to face
Luckily I've got no scanner
I can't send it in any manner
So my picture I won't replace

Changing profile pictures

Women seem to change their FB pictures a lot
Especially when their appearance goes to pot
Men don't usually make a change
They don't have make up to re-arrange
And saying so is just a cheap shot

My dream

I wish that I was a tennis star
Playing internationally, I'd go far
I'd travel all around the world
I'd see every flag unfurled
But alas I'm sleeping in my car

Damn you, King Arthur!

I make a curse on King Arthur's courts
May he get boils, pimples and worts
He wouldn't make a knight of me
Though it was my daily plea
And that has got me out of sorts

Decisions, decisions

Do I crack up or do I crack down?
These are words that I ponder
When I go into town
When people are near
I feel austere
Should I wear a smile or a frown?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

My childhood

When I was young, I had trouble in school
No one understood why, I was bright as a rule
When I was first learning, I was slow as molasses
The problem was cured when I got glasses

Getting by

I didn't have time to study the spec sheet
So I decided to invest in a cheat
I went out and had some fun
Then I got the project done
And I finished in a dead heat

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Politically incorrect

People who think from the left
Get angry when another position is heft
When someone beats them on a point
They get completely out of joint
And they consider that their losses are theft

I love week ends!

There are a couple of mornings not to bother me during the week
If you fail to heed my warnings, I'll freak
Weekends are my time
To rest from the daily grime
So please do not get me in a pique

My fabulous idea

I was so certain that my ship had come in
But it was a delusion brought on by gin
I had a fabulous idea
To make gold from urea
But they stashed me in the loony bin

Friday, August 27, 2010

Buffalo Bob was an Indian lad

Buffalo Bob was an Indian lad
Born with ingenuity, he was glad
He built a diner
Where none was finer
And his waitresses were scantily clad

It's Howdy Doody Time!

Buffalo Bob was a renowned puppeteer
When watching "Howdy Doody" I would jeer
Clarabelle was a real clown
But looking at him got me down
Because his smile looked like a sneer

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Mad Shopper

I make purchases purely for fun
But later when the day is done
It becomes one of my concerns
To collect everything for returns
When employees see me they run

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I suck at bowling

My bowling handicap
Leaves quite a gap
I am a lousy bowler
I'll never be a high roller
So now I quit, everybody clap

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The School Meet

Three schools were racing
At speeds beyond their pacing
The anchovy, carp and grouper
Were stopped by a state trooper
Who for an hour had been chasing

The good old bad old days

In the old days when I went to school
Things weren't like now, they weren't cool
The teachers were mean
And they were quite keen
To place us facing the wall on a stool

Monday, August 23, 2010

On Tiger and Elin's divorce

It's really too bad I'm unavailable
She's getting $500 million payable
The interest alone
Would be my stepping stone
To wealth unassailable

TV Dinners

I want my TV Dinner
Unfrozen, that's a winner
Veggies and meat
Can't be beat
But with a dessert
I won't get thinner

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Heroin withdrawal

A man who loved doing tricks
Badly needed a heroin fix
Because of his trouble
He began to see double
And nausea and vomiting were
Part of his mix

A fellow who liked to do tricks

A fellow who liked to do tricks
Used microscopic fleas and ticks
They'd fling themselves around
On a trapeze, off the ground
And do somersaults for the hicks

A tricky guy

A fellow who loved doing tricks
Kept adding daring acts to his mix
The crowd was amazed
Some people even dazed
And he did everything for kicks

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My fish tank

I bought a large fish tank
That is classy and swank
I use it as an animal terrarium
Which becomes as an aquarium
When I make them walk the plank

Riots make me feel ill at ease

I always get disquiet
When witnessing a riot
I want to get away
So I can be astray
And get some peace and quiet

What a way to lose a job

I just got the axe
I'm insulted to the max
I've done this job
Like a regular slob
Till I got this g**d*** fax

I love salt!

If you have a need for salt
I'll give you a reason to exalt
I'm an executive director
Of a salt collector
That I keep within a vault

Friday, August 20, 2010

On the Isle

We're here on our little piece of land
Lush and beautiful, covered in sand
When will they parachute our pizza pie?
...We wait fervently searching the sky
I may just have to order another brand

Thursday, August 19, 2010


As I sit upon my chair
I have an urge to share
Why you just take a nap
Securely sitting on my lap
You can remain without a care

My life as a nerd

I'm straining my eyes on my computer
I have no time for people
It's my only suitor
When I find something really neat
I get an enormous urge to tweet
And it may look plain or something cuter

My visit to the ear doctor

I had wax removed from my ears
My hearing improved by light years
I can now get rid of the mute
Though those captions were cute
And get rid of deafness as one of my fears

Take me out to the ball game

I always want the very best seat
In the shade and out of the heat
I can only afford one box
Near home and by the clocks
So you'll have to go dutch treat

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Pour me another drink

Pour me a river
Or just a sliver
I want to drink
So I can't think
Until I destroy my liver


The British have a way of speaking about a cat
That seems to make little sense
How did they arrive at that?
It's not near the English that I like to speak
If I spoke that way, I'd feel like a freak
Maybe it's because I'm not high hat

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Harry Reid and the First Amendment

Harry Reid's in a very tight race
So of course he'll do an about face
To get elected
He must do the unexpected
With politicians you can't expect grace

AT&T and me

AT&T's service is appalling
Their employees are always stalling
I get nervous
When I use their service
So on their competition I am calling

Getting your idea across

Getting your idea across

An idea can be extremely heavy work
Getting it out might require a quirk
You need to structure a thought
That you have wrought
Or you might go berserk

Old MacDonald

I often wondered why
Old MacDonald had to die
The answer was in his title
He was old said statistics vital

The message in a bottle

The message in a bottle

Yesterday as I was walking on the beach
I discovered a bottle floating, just out of reach
I struggled to reach it and got it out
I then noticed a paper within it's snout
The words were very meaningful to me
I wondered who set it upon the sea
I rushed home to show it to my brother
The words simply said "Love each other"

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Diva and the media

A diva was slammed in the news
For singing only the blues
She was operatically trained
But she often refrained
Because she didn't like Verdi's views

More about drinking

Drinks are on me!
With my two bottles I know you'll agree
Let us be pals
Before we go home to our gals
And they give us the third degree

I bought a couple of bottles

I went to liquor store
And bought two things I adore
Bourbon and Scotch
Will raise me notch
And I won't know the ceiling from the floor

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My horse

I took a evening ride on my night mare
She had a pedigree that was quite rare
She had blazing speed
No one could impede
That made everyone gape and stare

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Ode to the onion

Why must you cry?
Onions keep us spry
I drink to your good health
Because health equals wealth
Now please serve me onions on rye

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Good Old Days

I used to be a soda jerk
I was paid little, but got many a perk
Women would often flock to me
"Make me an egg cream" was their plea
Those were pleasant days and nights
Evenings spent in sheer delight
But now I'm old and when I'm weary
I think of those days and I get teary

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Grocery shopping

When I go to the grocery store
I want cheap prices and even more
I like things fresh
Both veggies and flesh
To put inside my fridge door

My bitching rights

I very much like to bitch
Each time I get the itch
I'm not a female
I'm a real male
And I don't want to switch

An enthusiast lady

A nymphomaniac who was well endowed
Enjoyed being continuously ploughed
She screamed to her lover
Who often would hover
Quitting is simply not allowed

An inside job

A woman who hated high tech
Hired a geek to be her exec
She never had a clue
That her business was askew
Till she bounced many a check

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Why on earth?

Why on earth must there be cereal killers?
For me Cheerios and Raisin Bran are thrillers
I love their wholesome taste
Their destruction is a waste
Why can't they just go after distillers?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Negative body image

A woman who worked for her dad
Wanted her breasts trimmed down just a tad
For they were so big
That they zagged and they zigged
And in a flexible bra she needed to be clad

Out of odor

I never had a great sense of smell
I wasn't aware, so I could not tell
As for sensing an odor
God gave me a lousy decoder
But I miss stinky stuff, so what the hell

Monday, August 9, 2010

I hate hamsters!

Hamsters are nothing but rats
I release them and then watch the cats
They play with them a little
But when they turn brittle
I toss into garbage vats

The folly of enlargements

A lady in the air corps
Didn't want her breasts small anymore
She pumped up those orbs
With as much silicone they could absorb
But she couldn't get out of the door

Sunday, August 8, 2010

One heck of a house keeper

My wife cleans the carpets with a Bissell
Getting up all the dirt and the gristle
The floor is so clean
When I get home I lean
On the couch in the den and I whistle

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Parody of "Fly me to the moon".

"Fly me to the moon".

Fly me to the moon on the wings of flies
Get me there quick before one dies
In another words get to the skies
In another words, darling swat me
Fill this song with flies
So I can cast off my disguise
Tell me what life is about and all the other lies
In another words, I want new highs
In another words, please be wise

Friday, August 6, 2010

Communicating with native peoples

Before Indians learned to say how
Sign language worked for the low and high brow
And if at a distance
They'd remain coexistent
Through whatever smoke signals would allow

Learning on the internet

Does it take you a you tube presentation to learn how
Methods to fix Windows 7 or milk a cow?
If I didn't have the net
I'd lay you a bet
There were other ways to learn that up to now

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Gay Marriage

Marriage should be for everyone, can't you see?
Gays should be as miserable as the rest of we
It's not enough just to live in sin
Marriage is not fun when love grows thin
Unmarried people don't understand that while they are free

The power of words

Once upon a time happy equaled gay
"Gay" was an innocuous word we would say
It was a pleasant word that made us feel glad
And never uncomfortable, ambivalent or sad
Now we find it's an expression that's in the way

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A rather sad tale

A woman who worked for her dad
Always walked around rather sad
He was always on her case
Every time and every place
Since she changed to a gal from a lad

Toupee or not toupee, that is the question

Toupee or not toupee, that is the question

Do you keep your head warm with a toupee?
Do you use it in order to cover the gray?
These are not just questions
In fact, I want suggestions
So I can rationalize my display

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The problem with bananas

Bananas are my favorite food
I like them sliced or even cubed
But bananas may become extinct
They have no seeds by which they're linked
Scientists need to fix this or we are screwed

Monday, August 2, 2010

The lascivious lady

That lascivious lady is a major flirt
She wears no undies under her skirt
And if she near
I'll get out of here
Because I don't want to be called a pervert

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Paying attention

Paying attention is hard for me
I need multi-tasking to be free
When I have the time
I will write a rhyme
But we are friends, I agree

Wild or mild?

Girls gone wild is an exciting title
If they performed mild,
They'd more vital
They could wildly play their songs
To enormously growing throngs
Or play more gently at a recital

Days of awe

When I was a child
I was very beguiled
I was filled with awe
By what I saw
On summer days
That were mild