Friday, August 31, 2012

She could see through his efforts

 She could see through his efforts

A woman was peeved at her mate…*
Who gave every reason  to hate
His each and every move
Though he tried to improve
All his efforts were light weight

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Obsessions can be costly

 Obsessions can be costly

A fellow was very obsessed
With his need to be blessed
He had so very little hope
To be blessed by the pope
So he felt continually stressed

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

There's a new law against protesting

 There's a new law against protesting

Do you want to go to the Senate?  You can't anymore
With a negative sign, the law and the police will abhor
They don't care for your input, they don't want to know
All they for is their money and their standing should grow
So they'll fill you with spin
And they won't let you in

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Drugs can mess you up

Drugs can mess you up

A woman was asked to explain
Why most of her family were insane
She told it long
As in a folk song
Which blamed it all on cocaine

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The next drink politicians might ban

 The next drink politicians might ban
Coffee is my drink for today
If the FDA thinks it's okay
And if they ban
It's form in a can
I'll need to buy it in a spray

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

To all of you sending political humor

 To all of you sending political humor

Why can't we be funny with wit
And avoid all this political s**t
All it does is divide
Setting friends aside
I'd be happy if you just cooled it

Lawyers in love

 Lawyers in love
You give me premature ventricular contractions
You're so exciting that you cause these reactions 

 I usually fall short
At the appeals court
But you are a whiz at winning class actions

I'm curious, but yellow

I'm curious, but yellow
The Curiosity has landed on Mars
Continuing our gambit to the stars
Our country. can't be beat
All others take a back seat
Causing the opposition to have scars

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Open or closed casket?

 Open or closed casket?
A fellow had made a mistake
Thought his gas was his brake
His car spun out of control
Now he's halved not whole
I hope they fix him for his wake

Monday, July 30, 2012

It's not real life

 It's not real life
Those dolls Barbie and Ken
Are produced in Phnom penh
They are inelastic
Made from plastic
Neither are women nor men

Whew it's hot!

 Whew it's hot!
My next door neighbor fell on his deck
He was sweaty and looked like a wreck
When it's hot
The time is not
To overdress and wear a turtle neck

What did we do to deserve this?

 What did we do to deserve this?
I myself and my wife
Were in the prime of life
When on the road
A truck tire implode
Caused our truck to jack knife

Who shrunk my clothes?

 Who shrunk my clothes?
I went to an you can eat buffet
Where I really loaded my tray
Tomorrow I'll be very careful and fast
But I don't know how long it will last
I really don't want  to check what I weigh

So much for Hefty bags!

 So much for Hefty bags!
I put too much in my garbage bag
It was so loaded,it started to sag
Then the dern thing broke
Spilling Pepsi and Coke
Now here I am cleaning with a rag

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Always hire the best doctor

Always hire the best doctor

A gal who was known for her flash
Had a manner exceedingly brash
When she tried to self-treat
What she assumed prickly heat
It caused her body functions to crash

Friday, July 27, 2012

The end of a relationship

The end of a relationship
Since my gal had to decide between alcohol and me
It was certain our relationship was no longer to be
For it was so snappy
A beer made her happy
While I never drink anything stronger than tea

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Note to a book club

 Note to a book club
When it comes to our list
Cheryl simply can’t resist
That is quite a tale
Hits upon a nail
The authors ability to twist

I was an evil child

 I was an evil child
The big house was where I spent my youth
I acted evil and was in many ways uncouth
A teacher tied me to a tree
And when I became free
I beat and left him with just a single tooth

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Nature boy?

 Nature boy?
A large wigwam or a tepee
Is simply not home to me
I sleep in the nude
It would be crude
If my neighbors could see

Monday, July 23, 2012

The south is nice to visit, but........

 The south is nice to visit, but........
It has been my goal to avoid southern climes
Places where the KKK have done many crimes
 I would only live in the land of Dixie
If  enchanted by a mischievous pixie
And no pixie has been seen in modern times

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Diving at the finish line

 Diving at the finish line

A woman who fell on her face
Actually finished first in a race
Forward she threw
Causing  a coup
Leaving the losers in disgrace

Bag lady

 Bag lady
When I saw a bag lady today
I gave her a large food tray
 She really looks so gaunt
That large tasty croissant
Frames a tasty buffet

English is tough

 English is tough
I hope this isn't taken as a slight
English is difficult to say or write
There once was a man
Who hailed from Japan
Who did not know wongs from white

Saturday, July 21, 2012


When I was added to a black list
I became extraordinarily pissed
It's immoral I said
You have been misled
Why can't we just coexist?

My boat

 My boat
I bought a very huge rickety boat
Who knows how I'll keep it afloat
It's got a hole in the aft
Where I store my raft
In case it sinks in this moat

Friday, July 20, 2012

Crabs, anyone?

 Crabs, anyone?
If you'd like crabs
Mine our up for grabs
I have to say ouch
They are in my croutch
Itching has left me scabs

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Don't mess with me!

 Don't mess with me!
As my wife and I sat and ate
An large iguana tried to mate
Upon my left knee
But I got it free
Now it's dinner on my plate

Small ball

 Small ball
Winning baseball teams play small ball
Players stealing bases are part of a cabal
 They need effort to score
Make one base into four
And hope the umpire makes the right call

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Know thyself

 Know thyself
Each day is the time to atone
Until we know that we haven't grown
And our true self
Remains on the shelf
Where it was placed by G-d on loan

New hot book

 New hot book
I don't want to buy "50 Shades of Grey"
For a sexual experience I'm unwilling to pay
At the going rate
so until costs abate
I'll need something else to lead me astray

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My apology

 My apology
I'm sorry I gave you such a start
I really tried to muffle that fart
But once it left my cheek
It's power reached it's peak
And things really came apart

Comparative rodents

 Comparative rodents
A squirrel is a great acrobat
An it seems to be rarely fat
It flies through the air
With the greatest of flair
Unlike it's cousin the rat

Twisted nursery tales

 Twisted nursery tales

The young woman ate that prince
With tomatoes, lettuce and quince
She enjoyed him so well
There was created a spell
And she has not seen a frog since

Monday, July 16, 2012

I'm going to sue my dentist!

 I'm going to sue my dentist!

My dentist had to reinforce a tooth
As a child I savored many Baby Ruth
He built a crown
Colored brown
Which makes me look uncouth

It's too darn hot!

 It's too darn hot!
Climatically it's been a strange year
Bringing Al Gore much to cheer
He believes humans are harming
Bringing to earth global warming
But things may not be as they appear

My message for the day

 My message for the day

Happiness might not be bought by money
But it makes each day a little more sunny
Good family and good health
Actually are better than wealth
That's my message for today, honey

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The cow with writer's block

 The cow with writer's block

The cow felt a bit of rue
Since she said nothing but moo
If she could past that restriction
After learning some diction
Then she say something new

Depression can be devastating!

Depression can be devastating!
A fellow was starting to rue
Things he never did pursue
Although he had great life
 Many children and a wife
He felt his happiness untrue

Friday, July 13, 2012

I got it on Groupon!

I got it on Groupon!
I hate when prices are so doggone steep
I want what I need available and cheap
Every day I look at Groupon
For the very best coupon
With that deal on a broom I can sweep

Bad economic times

 Bad economic times
In order for me to mow my lawn
I had to get my mower out of pawn
I had to sell my cloak
Because I was broke
My checking account was over drawn

Thursday, July 12, 2012

A thought to authors

A thought  to authors

Write down what's in your head.  
You need to get it said. 
 I hope it gets you dough
and then you'll know. 
 It's gotten out there and read!

It's me, The Wolfman

It's me, The Wolfman

It's true I'm crazy as a loon
All night  I bay at the moon
Each day when I sleep
You won't hear a peep
But at night I'll be back really soon

My field is entomology

 My field is entomology

In my yard I often pick up sticks
And then I employ them in tricks
I have become famous and well known
Because when those sticks are thrown
They eliminate from the area all ticks

A stunner?

 A stunner?

When my new wife first saw my body undressed
Her shock was so great that I confessed
I knew that it was shoddy
To have such an ugly body
But that's how The One above left me blessed

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

My new job as a weatherman

 My new job as a weatherman

I'm at a weather forecasting stage
Where I use a raft as a rainfall gauge
Using a basin tucked inside
Away from the part that I ride 
While collecting minimum wage

That stinky garbage can

 That stinky garbage can

As I opened up that unwieldy tank
I couldn't get over how much it stank
Trying to get a smell that's sweeter
I opened a package of odor eater
But the can remained quite rank

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I'm so weird!

 I'm so weird!

I don't fight the demons in my head
I can't wait to see them when I'm abed
They seem so very neat
Each nightmare is a treat
I can't tell if they are real or from a book I read

Why I struck out

 Why I struck out
It was  as if the ball had eyes
It knew when to fall or rise
A pitch I didn't like
Was called a strike
Which led to my demise

Stealing bases

Stealing bases

Before stealing second
The pitcher's arm beckoned
When he was to throw
So in a dash I did go
Faster than he reckoned


I like to chat as well as post
It stimulates my inner host
Where my rhyming talents lie
 How they got there I know not why

To a princess...

 To  a princess...

I have to look at history
To study what is a mystery
About a Princess of royalty
I hope she doesn't think disloyalty
When I say
In this way
I'm sorry that it was so alarming
That I wasn't your Prince Charming

Sunday, July 8, 2012

No one likes....

 No one likes....
It's clever how no one likes
What I have to say, but yikes
It's a different slant
That does not enchant
I'll express it when the mood strikes

Fantastic fantasy

 Fantastic fantasy
Flesh Gordon's a badly made porn
It drives blue bloods with scorn
But I often do pray
To have that sex ray
Into my clutches not just to adorn


I walk my treadmill every night
My abs are getting quite tight
But my body's no dream
It's so ugly, it's so obscene
I wear loose clothes to keep it out of sight

The reading bug

 The reading bug
I've read many books to thee
Since birth, and now you're three
I've planted a seed
I hope you'll read
To grand children on your knee

Last prayer

 Last prayer
If today was truly my last day
About tomorrow what would I say?
As I leave this world
This thought will be unfurled
I tried to do my best, okay?

Done in by his arts

Done in by his arts
A fellow was proud of his skill
Applied his ink to a sharp quill
A misstep and he was stabbed
And had not his worker blabbed
He'd be lying on the ground still

A terrorizing look

 A terrorizing look
He was making faces at me
For reasons I couldn't see
It was seriously weird
The way he sneered
On that we can agree

Foolish deeds

 Foolish deeds
As he drew his final breath
He knew he had reached death
In his mind a final thought
He wished he hadn't bought
That ounce of crystal meth

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Prune power

 Prune power
A powerful sweet fruit is the prune
Into toilets blockages are strewn
For an end to pain
Down the drain
Take it and you'll feel better soon

Friday, July 6, 2012

Santa says

Santa says

Going up, up and away
I was in orbit in my sleigh
But that down draft
Has made me daft
Now I fear that I will splay

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Dangerous deeds

 Dangerous deeds
Today he vacuumed the pool
Some of you may find it cool
But an electric shock
Will require a good doc
Or he will end up a ghoul

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I'm terrified!

 I'm terrified!
I never skate inside a rink
Lately my armor got a chink
Off this  mountain I may fall
It'll be the end, so it'll be all
I am trembling at the brink

Monday, July 2, 2012



The proximity of the outlet mall
Wiped out all competition small
Due to loaded dice
They paid the price
So we can shop "Big and Tall"

My shelter

My shelter

I live in an illegal pad
Where utilities are bad
I find empty homes on Craig
Whose ownership is vague
Since cost is cheap, I'm glad

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Keep your chest up!

Keep your chest up!
A gal who was painfully shy
When approaching a cute fellow would cry
She thought her love was in vain
Because she was so very plain
But her hooters made her desirable to his eye


A moody young woman with ‘tude
Told her lover she was not in the mood
For any mention of sex
She became his ex
Their relationship has conclude

Saturday, June 30, 2012

I'm a messy painter

I'm a messy painter

After my lousy penchant as a dripper
I needed a professional paint stripper
And I have to strongly stress
Since he cleaned my mess
I have become a very huge tipper

In bad taste

In bad taste

I just tasted creek water clam
It's flavor is something like spam
I now really think
I'll need lots to drink
Before my next tasting exam

Friday, June 29, 2012

It's darn hot

 It's darn hot!© Rob Hood 6/29/12
I need to avoid getting into and driving that hot car
That burn from the steering wheel will leave a scar
It's so extremely nasty and hot
I can fry an egg on the spot
All of streets in this town smell from melting tar

It's not having a good effect

 It's not having a good effect© Rob Hood 6/29/12

I'm using a new prescribed drug
I feel draggy and  move like a slug
What the darn heck
I feel like a wreck
I should have bought dope from a thug

Holding down the costs

 Holding down the costs© Rob Hood 6/29/2012

I had a very interesting talk with a shrink today
But the moment was lost when it was time to pay
Past ghosts were lost
At a very high cost
In the future I'll have to speed up what I say

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm a foodie

I'm a foodie© Rob Hood 6/28/12

I shop around for tasty dishes
I love pastrami, lox and knishes
But sadly if I used the good china
My wife would have symptoms of angina
For that would not meet her wishes

Why can't I win

 Why can't I win© Rob Hood 6/28/12

It's sad. I've never been a lottery winner
I never even won enough to buy a dinner
Maybe if I tried
I really applied
I would buy a ticket and be a beginner

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I should have bought a stronger plant

 I should have bought a stronger plant

A plant was knocked over in my outside pot
It was done in by an insect I should have swat
The moments before are quite a bit hazy
So I'm not sure how it destroyed that daisy
Another lesson to me has been taught

Built like Fort Knox

Built like Fort Knox

The other day I put money in a bank
That was armored and built like tank
But today I wanted to take it out
And  the banker said no with a pout
So my confidence in the economy sank

Monday, June 25, 2012

A new feature on FB

 A new feature on FB

Some change is definitely good
Bad things have forever stood
If Facebook wants to edit
I think we should give it credit
For doing what it should

No lives lost

 No lives lost

I have several damages from the storm
That came at night with temperatures warm
But I have the Lord above to thank
I'll gladly give donations to the blood bank
Because I can recover my costs on a claim form

Kevin Youkilis has left Boston

 Kevin Youkilis has left Boston

To be in the majors is to be on an endangered list
You gotta keep your average up, that's the gist
you must prepare
To avoid any error
Or you will be removed from our midst

They can't catch me

 They can't catch me

I love to drive over ninety in a fast car
It makes me feel powerful like a czar
Never mind what thinks the cops
Hidden behind signs and shops
I'll keep forever driving fast and far

An ominous warning

 An ominous warning

You should go into a public park
With wood and tools and build an ark
Why not build in your yard you say?
There are too many things in the way
Please build it now before it's dark