Aging

Why do the years go quicker as we age?
Perhaps shorter memory causes disengage
As we get old
Life seems less controlled
And that is all that I can assuage

A day in the life

I may be odd
But I am mod
I spend a little time
To make a pleasant rhyme
And then to work I trod

School daze

To my grade school teacher
I was a senseless creature
I wouldn't sit still
Or take a ADHD pill
Paying attention was not my feature

A ferris moment

When Ferris Bueller first rode the ferris wheel
Historians worldwide deemed the moment surreal
Because on that day
They could portray
His meeting with his namesake, that piece of steel

My climb

Some have a great fear of heights
Above and out of their sights
I climbed the Statue of Liberty
Way up to its tipperty
While the priest below was ready with last rites

Those magic 15 minutes

A woman who yearned for great fame
Believed her domestic abilities quite lame
She simply had not the time
To clean both dirt and grime
While searching for her moment of acclaim


A woman who yearned for great fame
Met a guy who seemed to feel the same
They engaged in intercourse
While awaiting his divorce
Never realizing he engaged in a confidence game

A woman who yearned for great fame
Felt very encumbered by her name
she wanted something nicer
Than Pear Ellis Slicer
And knew her parents were to blame


A woman who yearned for great fame
Was unsatisfied when she became
A movie star
The greatest by far
Because acting was not really her game

Stie vs sty

Yesterday I got poked in the eye
Today I awoke with a painful stie
As it drips with pus
I begin to cuss
 About the meds I'll need to apply

It's me, Sherlock

I'm keeping my eye on you
Every time you come into view
With my periscope I can see
All the things you wish to hide from me
And you don't even have a clue

Thrillers

I like to read books that are thrillers
Books of romance are to me just fillers
I idolize the private eye
Finding rules to misapply
In order to catch the serial killers

Rejoice!

I need many eyes to see
I'm a multiple devotee
I look both to the left and the right
As part of my afternoon delight
Thank God I'm a bumble bee

The air head

A gal who was putting on airs
Was frightened by abundant scares
A friend put honey on her dress
And besides making a mess
It attracted a great many bears

Jury duty

When our jury voted quickly to acquit
It was certainly not unexpected, I'll admit
Being on a jury is a boring time
Even when dealing with a racy crime
I wish they'd just decide by judicial writ

The Iditarod

I anxiously awaited the Iditarod race
To race my fellows in that place
I wanted to growl deeply at my pleasure
Reaching octaves no human could measure
But all i could say is "woof" to my disgrace

Drinking impairs judgment

The last time I got drunk
I was in one hell of a funk
I went up to a kitten
That was there sittin'
But it turned out to be a skunk

Harry Reid embarrases Kirsten Gillibrand

Harry Reid's been in congress far too long
And he has no sense of right and wrong
He has no tact
And that's a fact
Let's out him in November and then say "So long"

PONTIACS

P our out thy wrath
O h mindless idiopath
N ever mind me
T here I am to no degree
I f I were to pay attention
A t me you'd show pretension
C an I expect any better
S ince to you I was a dead letter

Words to the wise

As I wandered through the Natural History Museum
I realized that it was really a mausoleum
To the animals before they died
And are stuffed and then dried
I earnestly say to them carpe-diem

One suit only

A man who owned only one suit
Was an extremely evil brute
He would change clothes
When he needed to impose
His will with his fist or his boot


A man who owned only one suit
Greatly loved the movie "Klute"
He followed Jane Fonda
From New York to Uganda
And then bought a house of ill repute

I'm getting anxious!

I'm waiting with baited breath for your next cartoon
If I become more anxious, I could be declared a loon
Please just make one send
Old pal, my friend
For I may soon bay at the moon

No fly list

At the airport the fun began
When I had to take a scan
Some metal in my pocket
Went off like a rocket
And I was diverted to Iran

The mud bath dilemma

A lady took her monthly mud bath at the spa
To keep up with the rest of the bourgeois
But when she went for her clothes
She found they had been disposed
So she had drive home in the raw

Do you get the picture?

The other day I got a mug shot
I was busted for an ounce of pot
Where are the police when you are in need?
Down at the donut shop to get their feed

The Limbo

I danced the Limbo the other day
Leaning backwards in my display
After I was asked by my beau
"Just how low can you go?"

Ship shape

My woman is in the shape of an hour glass
Large in both places I adore, breasts and ass
Some people tell me I'm politically incorrect
When they say that they show me disrespect
Because she is perfection. no one can surpass

A scary moment

You could almost hear a pin drop
At the main act under the big top
When the trapeze line broke
The acrobat nearly had a stroke
And all talking came to a full stop

Antiperspirant poisoning

Here is the way that I cope
I wash the d**n things with soap
While others imbibe
What advertisers inscribe
I simply decide to say, "nope"

The teary eyed woman

A woman who readily cried…
Had thoughts of suicide
So she began to see a shrink
Who was employed to think
If her problems were bona fide


A woman who readily cried
Wanted the problem set aside
She followed her quest
To win a beauty contest
So she had her tear ducts tied

A woman who readily cried
Let all of her problems slide
She never allowed herself time to think
As she doused herself with alcoholic drink
Against the ever rising tide

A woman who readily cried
Took her issues nation wide
She gave long talks
To all the hawks
East of the continental divide

How I get my kicks

Writing a poem to match a cartoon
May be to some just a bit opportune
They give me inspiration
And that is my libation
On many a long and boring afternoon

Hong Kong memories

I used to live in Hong Kong
I thought I'd live there life long
But when the Chinese took over
Life was no longer in clover
So I had to make a swan song

I remember old movies

When was young I was a movie junkie
Watching classics and even those clunky
Sci Fi was just great
How can anyone hate
King Kong the mighty monkey?

A short parody of "Some day my prince will come"

Some day my prints will come
Some day I'll see what I love
And a digital moment it won't be
When those pictures are developed for me

I'm a travelin' man

I love to swim and scuba
In both Bimini and Aruba
I've been around the globe
There's one land left to probe
Please lift the ban on Cuba

If I had my druthers

I often wish I had been a pal of young Bill Gates
What would it have been like to be one of his mates?
Writing code for my Comodore
Unleashing programs that would soar
Then I would also be one of the greats

Moldy cheese

Some people urge us not to eat moldy cheese
But as an aficionado of brie I eat it at ease
Without mold there would be no penicillin
Infections would be far worse as a villain
So pass me some Camembert if you please

To my friend Kramer

Your neurologist did a scan of your brain
"It is wired differently" was his refrain
You think out of the box
You are a sly fox
You use humor to help you stay sane

Used cars

I have no faith in the purchase of a used car
That may have spent time with a sole or a gar
Sunk in a hurricane
Dried out and on sale again
Leaves the world with an unethical scar

The song of the hemorrhoid

I don't mean to be a pain in the ass
It's just that I'm unrefined and crass
My name is Al Lumpkin
I'm a bit of a bumpkin
But at least I don't give you gas

November voting

The voters are feeling enraged.
Disappointment’s made Dems disengaged.
And with a GOP win
A balance would begin
And Obama’s plans could be caved

My bad infection

I had a bad nasal infection
That messed up my inflection
When I'd spout
The words came out
In an aimless direction

A cleaning problem

A cleaning problem

I swallowed a bunch of bull
It made me quite beyond full
Because my s**t
Was full of grit
The toilet had to be cleaned with steel wool

Hindu revisionism

If India changed and ate beef
The cows would exclaim "good grief"
They no longer follow their religion
No, not even a smidgen
It's time to steal away like a thief

Out of mind

My functional mind lacks ink
Making it difficult to think
I'm looking for a pal
A really intelligent gal
To whose mind I'll interlink

My morning ritual

My morning ritual

As I arise up in the morn
From my dreams of sex and porn
I find the need to work out
So my muscles I can flout
So where shall I tread today
After I finish my curds and whey
It's a quandary that I'm in
In an attempt to be healthy and thin
From a distance you may see
I'm in this world as an invitee

Cheap date

My wife was always a cheap date
Eating late was something she hate
A date made in heaven
If I had one, I'd taken seven
So you can see why she is my mate

My speedster days

I used to enjoy riding down the road lickity split
Riding that quickly takes a fair amount of grit
When I ran into a pole
I far exceeded my goal
And that is the reason that I had to quit

Get some rest!

You really need to learn to pass the ball
Some evenings when weary, but on-call
If you goof on a case
A life you may erase
And you can be sure your career will forestall

Hello coffee lovers

There’s a fellow who loves his caffeine
Who uses coffee to draw sketches obscene
He draws all through the night
While everyone else sleeps tight
That's why his countenance is green

There's a fellow who loves his caffeine
And he drank so he couldn't dream
His scary dreams at night
Caused him such a fright
That he had to act in extreme

My new strategy

I'm having trouble getting my clothes to fit
Some are so tight that they actually split
When I hear about a new strategy I try it
...I'm now going to try the see food diet
It's so simple, when I see food I eat it

What's your sign?

So tell me what's your sign?
I haven't a clue what's mine
I don't know astrology
Or any other mythology
Or when the planets align