DIY trip planning

A woman was planning a trip…
Felt all the trip planners a gyp
So she planned her own
From Nepal to Bastogne
And sailed on a slow moving ship

A tripped out gal

A woman was planning a trip…
Didn't want to over equip
She planned to go the Arctic
Her aim being cathartic
Where she would skinny dip

A salute to Ben Franklin

A salute to Ben Franklin©Rob Hood 11-26-10

"Early to bed, early to rise"
This is a philosophy we've come to prize
And as we grow old
We've become more sold
On this intelligent enterprise

The cause of the smolder

I was awakened by my smoke alarm
Before there could be any harm
It seems that fire ants
Had gotten in my pants
After migrating from my ant farm

The bathing beauty

A woman who grew up quite poor
Bathed regularly in the local sewer
People ran pell-mell
Whenever the smell
Indicated she was part of the tour

She had an ego trip

A woman who grew up quite poor
Became a well known raconteur
And she created
A image inflated
That gave her delusions of grandeur

My purpose in life

I was always big
I eat like a pig
When they need someone heavy
To stop floods and plug up a levee
I'm included in the dig

Why some relationships are rocky

My girlfriend has been acting strange
So I think of "us" short range
What seemed a heat rash
Is really a hot flash
She's going through "the change"

A mean woman

An old feminist lass from the East
Was interested in men, not the least
She wished she could render
An end to their gender
And all hindrance would be released

A friend said she is on vacation from writing limericks

How can you call writing limericks work?
They seem to me more of a perk
They give me so much fun
That when I am done
My countenance is filled with a smirk

I'm sticking to my budget

Everything has gone from steak to wurst
Economic finances have become reversed
So chuck that pastrami
And purchase a salami
And these bad times will be traversed

My question to a friend

He said
A gal who was youngish, yet gray
Was grayer with each passing day
She dyed it this color
She liked her hair duller
Cause it kept the young stallions away

I asked
Why didn't she just go unkempt?
From young stallions she'd be exempt
If she was as sloppy
As a beat up jalopy
They would leave just to show their contempt

Scraping done well!

I wrote my thesis on the skyscraper
It was a very fascinating paper
Do you know the skyscrapers ploughed
Working with great effort to remove a cloud
And get above the vapor?

Windy, isn't it?

A gal who was youngish, yet gray
Cut off that fuzz and wore a toupee
She had great fun as a blond
And no one knew they were conned
Till a gust blew her hair piece away

Power to the people

A gal who was youngish, yet gray
was offered a small part in a play
But she was given a larger part
Then the one for the old tart
When the AARP held sway

The gray haired lass

A gal who was youngish, yet gray
Slept with only women and was gay
She had spent time with the boys
Energetically playing with their toys
But they couldn't satisfy and were sent away

Hindsight is 20-20

An alleged psychic presumed to foretell
A future that I have yearned to quell
He wanted to measure
My pain and no pleasure
After I banged up my head when I fell

Clueless

I went shopping at the store with little dinero
The clerk said to find bargains "Follow the arrow"
Well that arrow pointed in many directions
Impeding me with my selections
So to management I say "When you set up a store
Make it more logical or customers will stay out the door"

Love is

Love is all you need
It's the best urge to feed
If you make others feel good
You know it will be understood
As the greatest gift, indeed!!

Thoughts on working

Seven days of work makes one weak
An occasional respite is what I seek
I have thoroughly enjoyed
Being full time employed
And going without seems quite bleak

TV vs reading

I'll never tire of watching TV
For I love all that I see
I often read a book
Inside a quiet nook
Both activities fill me with glee!

I lit a match

I lit a match to see
The writing on the marquee
It said "Caution gas!"
I was hit by flying glass
And now I am part of the debris

Life continues

When life is over, it's no big deal
It's just another spoke in the wheel
While many others dwell
On visions of heaven and hell
That's not the way I feel!

The birdcage

My life tweets as a canary
In my cage that is airy
Here I'll stay
Without dismay
While on outside it is scary

Doing time on planet nine

I'm locked in my cell
It's here I dwell
I cannot pass go
Or venture to and fro
My life's a living hell

Drunken fools redux

A guy who was drunk and lacked smarts
Got his college degree in the liberal arts
With all of his knowledge
From the best known college
He couldn't qualify for K-Marts

Tighten your belts, please!

Wearing pants with loose elastic,
working out with stunts gymnastic.
You should be careful to not be a goon
Should your pants fall and you make a moon
Shocking nuns and giving them pains gastric

Bulimia

I feel terrible, I know that I'm unfit
When I see food I crave a need for it
I hate myself and I feel so evil
when I gobble like a boll weevil
Excuse me, I need to eat a banana split

Drunken fools

A man who was drunk and lacked smarts
Used to sound musically laden farts
Some notes got so high
People around him would sigh
At those odoriferous work of arts


A man who was drunk and lacked smarts
Drove around in a car missing parts
He didn't get sober
Till nearly October
When his car began giving him fits and starts

My plastic surgeon

My plastic surgeon can create
Strange oddities at a cut rate
You can star in a freak show
Your income will grow
He really knows how to desecrate

Election results

I know you say "Oh, drat"
You favorites just went splat
They failed to deliver
Jobs even a sliver
So the voters told them "scat"

My thesis

The scientists gave me a grant
To study mating habits of an ant
Though they had the habits
To breed like rabbits
Scientific findings were scant

My old clunker

My car blew a head gasket
And it's parts are in a basket
If things get worse
I won't be adverse
To dropping it in a casket

My high handicap

In golf when I drive a ball
You can observe the swing
But that's all
Because son of a gun
It's often a hole in one
Or else it will be a close call

Mirror Images

One day while reclining
I read a book called "The Shining"
I felt kind of glum
Not knowing the meaning of REDRUM
Then I watched the movie
And what I saw was groovy
The view of the mirror where they were dining
Was a moment defining

My beautiful steed

I fought a battalion
Just to win my stallion
He was a steed
Who possessed great speed
And won me many a medallion

My daily grind

Every day I write something new
Perhaps you'd like a view
But what I write
May not always be bright
But to the effort I am true.

I hate liars!

Sorry to make you sad
Sometimes I become bad
When someone spouts lies
My pique may arise
And my wrath is unclad

About death

We often wonder why
Good people have to die
It may displease
That life's a terminal disease
A law that no one can defy

Terrorism for dummies

I tried to propel a rocket
Towards the judge's docket
But it was caused to fail
And could not sail
When launching from my pocket

Our librarian

Marian, lady librarian
Looked like a centenarian
But if you damage a tome
You better run for Rome
Cause she becomes a barbarian

Reflections on graduation

I just graduated to the half way house
Thirty years after offing my spouse
I kicked up my heels
For free cable and meals
And I listened to music by Strauss

Election results

You certainly can't win them all
There's no reason for you're feeling small
After the G.O.P. fails to deliver
The voters will quiver
And the Dems will collect a big haul

Permanent press

All my clothes are permanent press
When ironing I burn and make a mess
I was never majestic
At things domestic
I do not possess domestic finesse

My angry neighbor

My neighbor caught squirrels in a trap
Then electrified and killed them, zap
The squirrels caused a mess
And that's why I guess
His anger caused him to snap

Frazzled and sad

A frazzled new father named Jim
Was well known for mournful hymn
He fought with some slaughters
Who had killed both his daughters
They nearly tore him limb from limb

Get me to Starbucks, quick!

A frazzled new father named Jim
Filled his large coffee cup to the brim
He needed the jolt
Of many a bolt
To energize him with vigor and vim

Sleepless Nights

A frazzled new father named Jim
Had new sons Tom and Tim
Things never went right
He didn't sleep at night
Since his wife's breast milk turned to skim