So excited!

A fellow was planning to back
A young woman he met in the sack
She helped him feel great
All horneyness she did sate
But he died from a heart attack

Outch!

Outch!

A man who was terribly high
Atop a mountain decided to try
To jump in a lake
Now I'm at his wake
Because he didn't know it went dry

Jail bait

Jail bait

A guy who was frequently prone
Towards women not full grown
Was told "15 will get you 20
You'll have troubles plenty
Each time you need to use the throne"

A possible job

I just read in the village flyer
An ad to become the friar
I'd rather a job in astronomy
But in this terrible economy
It's the best job that I can acquire

He was broke

He was broke

A fellow whose last dime was spent
On fine food, cable and rent
Said "Don't worry honey
We'll live without money"
But we'll have to make do with a tent

That was why his room got flooded

A man was attempting to eat
A woman laying at his feet
She yelled "That tickles"
And what tasted like pickles
Pooled out around his seat

Practicing my religion

I enjoy practicing and living in my religion
Though others wish me extinct like a passenger pigeon
I don't care what those morons think
I won't be unhappy and start to drink
Our time on earth is short
Let's live it well so the report
To The One above Who can say we merit
Life in heaven eternal with our bashert

Happy birthday to my daughter!!

Happy birthday!

It seems like yesterday you were a child
I was so happy when you smiled
Time has passed both happy and sad
Use these events as a Launchpad
Now go forth and be gallant
For you are blessed with loads of talent
Always know that I love you
Even though you’re far from view

The marrying kind

The marrying kind

A fellow was famous worldwide:
For marrying many a bride
When their charms wore off
He was back at the trough
With new choices alongside

Insider news

A fellow who just let it slip
IBM was about to take a dip
Caused a great panic to arise
Before management could advise
Stockholders began to jump ship

Slander,not!

Slander,not!

A fellow was telling a tale
That he read from his email
It was so sordid
That it was recorded
Now you can find him in the jail

Underemployment blues II

Underemployment blues II

I am so very extremely annoyed
if I had a good job, I'd be overjoyed
I am beginning to hate my life
Due to boredom and complaints from my wife
Such are the problems of the underemployed

Underemployment blues

Underemployment blues

I am extremely annoyed
I am vastly underemployed
I am beginning to hate my life
Due to boredom and complaints from my wife
if I got a good job, I'd be overjoyed

A read herring

A read herring

A woman who'd taken a shot
In an author's highfalutin plot
Was thought to be dead
By readers well read
Until the evil doer was caught

I can't do simple

Following directions that I can't master
Be prepared for a real disaster
For most people these are simple
Like a mild rash or little pimple
For me it's not that way
Not easy or child's play

I wish I brought that dern GPS

l can't decipher east from west
Or north from south to pass a test
I am so very lost
All direction tossed
It's evident and plain to see
That even God can't find me
When I arrive at my home
I will no longer roam
I'll take pleasure in what I've got
For wanderlust, I have not
I know that simple things are the best
They leave me happy and not stressed
There is truly no place like home
Whether it be a tent or even a dome

I bowl worse than Obama

I use a three or a two holer
But I'm a lousy bowler
I'm the one resident
Worse than the president
Watch my gutter roller

In the rat race

In the rat race

A woman at work on a case
Wanted life at a slower pace
She was worn to the bone
And would often moan
She needed more breathing space

An old photo

An old photo

I see a picture on the wall
Old and faded in the hall
Ghostly memories of the day
When we were young and at play

Orange fruit

Orange fruit

Oranges are round
And they are bound
To roll away
Any old day
Can they be found?

Rhymes without reason

Rhymes without reason

Rhymes without reason
Thoughts that are teasin'
Jump out of me
For others to see
I hope that they are pleasin'

Control yourself!

Control yourself!
Please don't take any liberties
Since I don't know the birds from the bees
I know that birds sing
And bees often sting
But I don't know a thing about sleaze

Twilight?

Twilight?
A guy in the mood for a bite
Saw a beautiful woman that night
He acted in rote
Went straight for her throat
And returned to his burial site

Kibbles "N Bits?

The government must disallow
Those ingredients in puppy chow
The company used a harpoon
Aimed above the moon
To bring to earth that cow

Rolaids, please!

Rolaids, please!

My tummy gets all swollen
From eating too many stollen
I get extremely stressed
Since it takes too long to digest
From my throat to my colon

Hard work never kills you!

Hard work never kills you!

Ive been working at the gold mine
It's dusty and dirty, but I feel fine
Working hard has many fine merits
Pulling out gold worth forty carats
And it beats standing in a bread line

How not to perform

How not to perform

After smoking a bit of pot
My performance was not too hot
I felt really woozy
And fell into the jacuzzi
While trying for a jump shot

Please feed the birdies!

Please feed the birdies!

I think it is rather rude
To deny a bird it's food
It's not okay
To throw it away
When it needs to feed it's brood

Beware of Felix

Beware of Felix

A woman was going to bat
She was rabid, bit by a rat
She lived in terrible fear
And would not come near
When she heard the meow of a cat

Google+ thoughts

Google+ thoughts

There is almost no one here
In this Google tier
I could hear my echo
Bounce off the art deco
What made it disappear?

Reference books

Reference books

How to books give us uses
That stir up all our juices
We learn about 100 ways
But I doubt more info stays
Then what our memory loses

Salvation

Salvation

A lot of Christians have raved
How wonderful it is to be saved
But a belief in original sin
Would put me in the loony bin
I don't want to be thus enslaved

I'm trying to fit in

I'm trying to fit in
I'm a member of the class mammalian
And I am a devout Episcopalian
Don't kick me out
Since without a doubt
I am an illegal alien

Visualizing

Visualizing

I'm certain that it's correct
That a cube is a 3-D object
It's so unkind
That I'm half blind
And not seeing it is a side effect

I need to ease up!

I need to ease up!

Damn that warning light
It's too visible in my line of sight
I want to ignore
That problem and more
I need to be way less uptight

Picture this!

Picture this!

A gal who was fast on her feet
Ripped her pants on a nail in her seat
When she got off her chair
People who were there
Took photos that were very indiscreet

Serial killer??

Serial killer??

I just read a real chiller
About a man who was a cereal killer
He favored oats
And even groats
Which he used for filler

The secret to a perfect marriage is a secret

The secret to a perfect marriage is a secret

When I was young, my head I'd scratch
As I searched for mate to whom to attach
A woman that I could truly love
Sent to me from The One above
But what I found was just a mismatch

My imagination

Long, tall and cool
With energy to fuel
I can think
In a wink
Now that's a handy tool!

You put it, where?

You put it, where?© Rob Hood 6-26-11
A fellow was playing with fire
When he tried a lesbian to sire
He thought she was pretty
But things got real gritty
When she lined her vagina with barbed wire

I may be cynical, but.....

I may be cynical, but.....© Rob Hood 6-20-11

If you can't be careful on what you spend
You'll be surrounded by many a false friend
Totally out of control
You'll stay in a hole
From now until the bitter end

Being a victim

Being a victim© Rob Hood 6-20-11

A man who could never say “no”
Was constantly short of "dough"
Since it just was not nice
To stick to a set price
His luxuries he had to forgo

The mean nurse

The mean nurse© Rob Hood 6-13-11

The nurse took away my book
I could not even take a look
I must refrain
I may go insane
It's an argument she won't brook

Timber!

Timber!© Rob Hood 6-12-10
A man who was proud of his clout
Became ill with a bad case of gout
His big toe would start to ache
The very first moment he was awake
And he feared he was about to pass out

He had exotic taste

He had exotic taste© Rob Hood 6-5-11

A fellow who loved fine cuisine
Found steak and potatoes routine
He dined on a giant snake
At each coffee break
That he found by chance in a ravine

He should have hired a taster

He should have hired a taster© Rob Hood 5-29-11

A fellow was in a bad mood
After devouring very spicy food
His stomach gave him pain
Seemingly endless without wain
And to the toilet he was glued

It pays to advertise!

It pays to advertise!© Rob Hood 5-22-11

A woman went out on a date
With a plan to capture a mate
She had to feign
Since she was simple and plain
That life with her would turn out great

Oops! I missed the end of the world!

Oops! I missed the end of the world!© Rob Hood 5-21-11

The end of the world is here
I pass gas as I chug down a beer
I bought the evangelist's house
For his views I don't espouse
And I'll sell it when prices get dear

Plotting along

Plotting along ©Rob Hood 5-15-11

A fellow was hatching a plot
He seemed to do that a lot
He was an author of prose
And when a chance arose
He'd write a thought before he forgot

A horrible hiding place

A man thought it time to take stock
While his life of finance was bound in a sock
But the sock had a big hole
Which defeated his goal
He sadly wished he had hid it in a frock

A place with few freedoms

A gal had to cancel her plan
For an operation to make her a man
She thought financially she was set
But she lost out on a sure bet
It's likely that she'll be stoned in Iran

He watched what he wanted to see

He watched what he wanted to see

A fellow who loved a good fight
Watched boxing on TV each night
Though he couldn't afford ticks
He watched it on Netflix
It's programming is out of sight

Music is a gift from the angels

Music is a gift from the angels© Rob Hood 4-20-11
When life throws me yet another curve
And I feel deep down I've lost my nerve
I turn on a record and I'm filled with wonder
Because what I hear touches my soul with thunder
And I'm truly filled with zest and verve

Long, but not unusual

Long, but not unusual© Rob Hood 4-17-11

A guy with a very long name
Married a gal whose name was the same
When that name was used
They both became confused
And only had their parents to blame

A horney guy

A horney guy© Rob Hood 4-10-11

A guy who seemed guileless and sweet…
Was secretly always in heat
Every woman he got alone
Would be entered by his bone
As he pleasured them in his bucket seat

He felt left out

He felt left out© Rob Hood 4-3-11

A fellow was fit to be tied
When he viewed a baboon on an elephant taking a ride
Ii seems that the beast
Was en-route to a feast
And the man uninvited just cried

Mr Cyclops

Mr Cyclops© Rob Hood 3-31-11
I'm just a guy
With one eye
How it got in the middle
Is really a great riddle
Brought by The One on high

My anger

My anger© Rob Hood 2003
WALLS PEA GREEN
OBSCURE THE DEPTHS I'VE SEEN
MY CHILDHOOD WAS HELL
I COULDN'T END IT
I WAS AFRAID TO YELL
PARENTS DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW
ABUSE WENT ON
IT WAS A GO
DEPRESSION WAS MY OBSESSION
ANGUISH, HATRED TURNED INNER
MAKES ONE THINK
IN A PAST LIFE I WAS A SINNER
I WAS HIS SLUT
I WAS HIS TOOL
IT MADE ME A NUT
ANGER WAS MY FUEL
MUCH OF MY LIFE WAS TROUBLED
OFTEN I WAS SAD
PROBLEMS OFTEN DOUBLED
I THOUGHT THAT I WAS BAD
WE FINALLY MOVED FROM THAT HELL HOLE
IT WAS MY SAVING GRACE
MY PARENTS HADN'T TOLD ME WE WERE MOVING
OUR RELATIONSHIP HAD NO BASE
THE REASON FOR OUR MOVE
WAS MORE OF OUR KIND
WERE FOUND IN THE CITY
MY MOM LEFT HER BEST MEMORIES BEHIND
AND ALWAYS FELT THE MOVE WAS A PITY
SOME PARENTS SHOULD BE BARREN
THEIR KIDS, THEY'D BE A' SPARIN'
AS I FACE EACH DAILY TEST
I KNOW I'LL MEET WHATEVER MY QUEST
FOR I AS A CHILD
ALONE HAVE FACED
SOMETHING WILD
A BEAST ENCASED
SINCE I SURVIVED MY CHILDHOOD TEST
NOTHING WORSE WILL BEAT MY BEST

I want to bottle this day

I want to bottle this day© Rob Hood 2003
A SUNNY DAY
THE SKY WAS BLUE
THAT IS A HUE
QUITE PRETTY
THAT BECKONS TO ME
EVEN IN THIS CITY
TO NOT ENJOY SUCH A DAY
WOULD TRULY BE A PITY
THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES
ME FEEL QUITE GIDDY
THE COLORS BRILLIANT FROM THE SUN
YIELD ME ENERGY BY THE TON
IT IS QUITE A SIGHT
IT IS WARM AND BRIGHT
I'M FEELING GOOD
I'M FEELING FINE
I WANT TO BOTTLE THIS DAY
TO MAKE IT MINE

MY THOUGHTS ON STANDING IN LINE AT THE POST OFFICE

MY THOUGHTS ON STANDING IN LINE AT THE POST OFFICE©Rob Hood 2003



GET YOUR TICKET FOR THE LINE

FOURTEEN TO GO, STILL FEELIN’ FINE

KEEP ON SMILIN’, NO NEED TO PINE

I’LL BUY THE STAMPS AND THE EVENING WILL BE MINE

I’LL COME ON HOME AND GRAB A STEIN

SOME DRINK BEER, I’LL MAKE MINE WINE

SO THE DAY HAS PASSED AND SAILED

NOW I’LL FINISH THIS POEM AND GET IT EMAILED

MY LOVE ©ROB HOOD 2003


ARE YOU GOING OR WILL YOU STAY?

I’LL BE HERE, I WILL OBEY

I’M AT YOUR SIDE

I WILL NOT STRAY

AND I’LL REMAIN

TILL MY DYING DAY



WHEN YOU LEFT ME

I WAS DOWN

I WENT EVERYWHERE WITH A FROWN

DAYS WERE GLOOMY

THEY WERE GRAY AND BROWN

NOW YOU’RE BACK

AND WE’RE GOING TO TOWN



WHEN YOU LEFT ME I FELT SO SAD

I NEVER REALIZED ALL THAT I HAD

THAT YOU’D COME BACK AGAIN

WAS WHAT I PRAYED

MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED

NOW WE GOT IT MADE




I WAS HALF, YOU MADE ME WHOLE

STAYING TOGETHER FOREVER

NOW IS MY GOAL

YOU ARE IN MY HEART

YOU’RE IN MY SOUL

AND LOVING YOU IS MY ROLE



WHEN YOU LEFT ME I FELT SO SAD

I NEVER REALIZED ALL THAT I HAD

THAT YOU’D COME BACK AGAIN

WAS WHAT I PRAYED

MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED

NOW WE GOT IT MADE

Skiing down Mt Everest

Skiing down Mt Everest© 3-29-11

When it's below thirty two degrees
I enjoy donning my skis
Off the mountain I will fly
And I pray that I won't die
When I collide with trees

She was shy

She was shy© 3-27-11

A gal who was painfully shy
When approaching a cute fellow would cry
She thought her love was in vain
Because she was plain
But her big hooters made her desirable to his eye

He was shy

He was shy© 3-27-11

A man who was painfully shy
When approached by a woman would strand by
Away and aloof
Until he had proof
That the love of his life was a guy

What we heard I and 2 neighbors

What we heard I and 2 neighbors ©3-28-11
When Santa last landed on our roofs
I thought it was a series of big goofs
Because the noise that we heard
Seemed very absurd
It was a loud chorus of "Woofs"

Was that really Santa?

Was that really Santa?© 3-27-11


When Santa last landed on our roof
I thought it was a very big goof
Because the noise that I heard
Seemed very absurd
It was a loud chorus of "Woof"

What do we expect from government?

What do we expect from government?© 3-26-11

It looks like the public in England are having a cow
Government budget cuts have caused them to avow
If government can't find a way for the dole to grow
They will feel a fervent need to overthrow
That government ala Lenin and Chairman Mao

I'm no vagabond

I'm no vagabond© 3-25-11

I'm happily living in my used car
It has no wheels, so I don't go far
For my great escape
I keep myself in shape
On the links, shooting for par

The Roman poet

The Roman poet© 3-24-11

A great poet named Horace
Lacked access to a thesaurus
But he could not be outdone
For of words he had a ton
So said his Roman chorus

The careful young lady

The careful young lady© 3-23-11

She was just a little squirt
Always careful and alert
She looked about
And took route
On seeing the area's main pervert

Weight Issues

Weight Issues© 3-22-11

I always wanted to be trim
In another words to be slim
But I have the wrong gene
If you know what I mean
That's why my body is filled to the brim

Late for a date

Late for a date© 3-20-11

A fellow was terribly late
But he had a huge appetite to sate
After he left the table
He was truly able
To wow his lovely blind date

I love Netflix!

I love Netflix! ©3-20-11

I watch many things on my screen
Hilarious comedies and films obscene
When videos are streaming
I find all so redeeming
Wow! Look at them hooters on that teen

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary, ©2-22-11
I'm so happy! I just woke up and made it to another day!
Each morning as I arise from my bed
I'm filled with glee because I'm not dead!
A friend of mine told me she was queried whether she would like to be reborn if the opportunity was available. She reported to me that she would not like to be reborn because the world problems are so bad. I feel differently about that. I plan on living forever! So far, so good!
Well the weather here has gone back to being boring again! Last week's 6 consecutive days of 50 plus degree weather ruined all the fun! It's too bad! I'll miss falling down on the ice, heart palpitations when shoveling snow, and having my car stuck in the driveway!
Well that's all for now. I'll get back to you someday.

Say cheese!

Say cheese! ©3-19-11

Approaching my friend I began to freeze
After realizing he had just cut the cheese
He had created a bit of a spell
As I was overcome by the smell
And it was done with just one squeeze

Spare me some sympathy!

Spare me some sympathy!© 3-18-11

To all of you both vain and smug
I am not an evil-minded thug
I just need a trace
Of an embrace
Better known to you as a hug

Cat Saga

Cat Saga© 3-15-11

I need some kitty litter
To gather deposits from my critter
She always chases a mouse
Out of our house
She's definitely no quitter

The upset fellow

The upset fellow ©3-13-2011

A fellow was very upset
And stayed up long nights to fret
His sleepless hours
Caused him to lose his powers
To earn a living, so he went into debt

Out of the way

Out of the way ©Rob Hood 3-13-2011

I live in a place far out of the way
With no transportation to except by sleigh
For company online I often chat
Meeting old pals, I'll chew the fat
And learn a recipe for a great souffle

Speed demon

I don't want my mail
To be at speed of a snail
I'll set my bead
On a faster speed
Before my news goes stale

The ox

I bought an ox
Down by the docks
So when I want to bake
A fancy gourmet steak
I'll take that ox out of my freezer box

TV game shows

Spin that wheel
And make a deal
Watching TV makes me all aglow
From this very entertaining show
Now let's sit for a meal

A Yak defined

A Yak is a bull or a cow
In German a Herr and a Frau
They live in the hills
Where walking takes skills
And can be used to pull a plough

The Bungee Personality

He who uses a bungee cord
Doesn't have time to be bored
If the cord is a product of mistakes
And the d**n thing breaks
Into a funeral box, he'll be stored

Holding it?

My friend the Vicar
Could never hold his liquor
Each time he downed a beer
It became mighty clear
He was going to be sicker quicker

The BIG dog

I know that this dog really sheds
I've seen him tear houses to shreds
He's not being mean
He just needs vaccine
To calm him when he arises from beds

The stylish lady

A gal who took pride in her style
Continually strode with a smile
There was no one could top her
She was a real connoisseur
and all her efforts were worthwhile

Think ahead!

A gal who was rather a scold
Lately realized her strategy foretold
She felt totally above
All showing of love
Thus her relationship with her kids was cold

To poke or not to poke

I just saw "Lonesome Dove" and I want a poke.
I am serious. This is not a joke
I like the effects
Of a little sex
I'll need a lot more before I croak

It's understandable

A woman was trying to write
But it was noisy at that bomb site
She needed a room
Quiet as a tomb
So it was natural that she was uptight

A sad tale

A woman was trying to write
A saga about a potato blight
Because the spuds
Had all been duds
The Irish couldn't eat one bite

The good part of aging

If people around are polled
They'll say I'm growing old
But it's really not so sad
That my memory's gone bad
I can repeat good times four fold

Feeling your pain

A woman was on a campaign
And her interest was not plain
To make gays and straights rearrange
In a way that was not strange
So they could discover each others pain

How not to create a zombie

A woman was on a mighty campaign
To reanimate the dead that were slain
She inserted much blood and fluids
After studying the lore of the Druids
But she entered it in the wrong vein

Warren Buffett

Warren Buffett
Never told a president to “stuff it”
For every dollar he’d invest
A 2000 percent return passed his test

Happy Birthday daughter dear 2/12/11

Happy Birthday my sweet dear
Wishing you a happy year
One filled with so much good health and fun
That you'll feel pleasure when it's done

Dr Freud

Sigmund Freud
Was very annoyed
Anything he ever did
Was credited to his inner id

Miracle Attorneys

Bless the lawyers every one
For your fleecing has just begun
They'll bleed you dry
For a piece of the pie
They'll write a nice estate plan
And when the s**t hits the fan
Your death will enrich them
On a judgment in rem

Pre-Valentine's Day haiku

I love chocolates
Especially the nougats
Eat different ones

The tax lady

The tax lady was very beguiling
As she spoke she was always smiling
But alas and alack
I wish I could go back
And edit the information she was compiling

The meaning of "blue"

To many a "blue" limerick is perverse
It seems filled with hatred and curse
But if "blue" means sad
Well that's not so bad
then they'll need not be so adverse

Newsy

News on high

A man who reported the news
Saw things in unusual hues
Because what he was toking
Was better than cigarette smoking
He never ever got the blues

A man who reported the news
Was saddened by Obama's world views
He fails to support
Our friends like a sport
And has given America's interests a bruise

Ouch, that hurt!

The ice that fell from the arena in Dallas
Was authentically shaped like a phallus
Some people who were near
Were struck in the rear
When they sit on the toilet they bear malice

Keeping up with the neighbors

A gal who was terribly vain
Was to her husband a ball and chain
She spent all his money
Bleak day or one sunny
For the appearance she could feign

Mr High and mighty

A man who was terribly vain
Drove those nearby insane
He felt he was blessed
And well above the rest
And if help was needed he'd abstain

It's snowing!

Oh where oh where can I take a dump?
That's snow I mean, I got you chump
I've broken my shovel
Outside of my hovel
And I'm certain that I need a vacuum pump

Pet photos

My dogie's picture is blurred
Because he looked up at a bird
Trying hard to get him to sit
Gave the photographer a fit
And I heard him say a curse word

Pre-Pre-Nup

A lawyer said to his date
Sign here, i just can't wait
You'll have to agree
Not to sue me
If our relationship doesn't go great

The trials of an unlikeable fellow

A fellow whose voice is quite grating,
Fell through the ice while ice skating
He yelled and he screamed
And he got rather steamed
Because people nearby stood waiting

A comment about Diane Rehm

A fellow whose voice is quite grating
Found NPR's Diane Rehm worth dating
But as the information grew
There were more then a few
In the audience who wished a correction procedure
before mating.

Fruit for the beholder

I love beans, the musical fruit
For whenever I eat them, I toot
A musical band
Is what I had planned
But whenever my friends hear me, they scoot

I view movies at home

Until movies come out on DVD
I'm very unlikely to go see
The theater and it's noise
Just simply destroys
All pleasure and I might get disease

War, what is it good for?

Here's something that I feel in my core
As long as there are humans. there will be war
We can write any law
And ask violators to withdraw
But it won't stop the violence and gore

A really neat idea!

Wouldn't it be neat to invent a musical Rubik's cube?
Just think of all the minds it's creation would lube
Such an ascent
Would be time well spent
But I'm just going to relax and watch the tube

Giving the silent treatment

If I would study and learn
I could get what I yearn
I always wanted to a mime
And when I find the time
I'll have money to burn

Pass the calculator, please!

While young I attended school
The calculator was the slide rule
Those who couldn't follow its path
Had a heck of a time with math
And often occupied the dunce stool

On top

I'd always rather be on top
Then wading in some slop
But if you are enough bold
To provide sufficient gold
I might be willing to swap

An answer to a query

I don't know why my hair is not all white
Will that diminish me in your sight?
I am a bit older
But not any bolder
A good looking cadaver may be my plight

An answer to a query

I don't know why my hair is not all white
Will that diminish me in your sight?
I am a bit older
But not any bolder
A good looking cadaver may be my plight

The ambidextrous showman

A sports-loving fellow named Lee
Loved to show off ambidextrously
First his left hand, then his right
And when a full crowd was in sight
He'd use his nose as a tee

I used to try everything

I just tasted some "trucker jam"
It's flavor is something like spam
I now really think
I'll need lots to drink
Before my next tasting exam

I don't believe in horoscopes, but....

I just read my horoscope Aquarius
And I find it really quite hilarious
What it said really fit
Nearly with wit
About my problems precarious

Troubling times

A sports-loving fellow named Lee,
Was in court taking a plea
About an illegal bet
Where a sting was set
It will be eight years before he is free

Sports injury

A sports-loving fellow named Lee,
Was desperate when he injured his knee
He felt utter disgrace
Each time he lost a race
It's a pity he skied into that tree

I love self-service!

I purchase everything self serve
Dealing with salesmen hits a nerve
All they care about is the sale
No matter what lies in the tale
Buying solo, my sanity I preserve

Doing time

I'm doing time
For a life of crime
I wear a tight chain
So they can constrain
My evil, I am slime

Here's my two scents!

Why do so many trees need be felled?
The old wood chopper yelled
After a day in the forest
I drive to the florist
So the tree odor can be expelled

Battling the elements

I knew that I had made a mistake
Walking in the desert while half awake
When I heard that rattle
I feared I was in for a battle
Trying to outrun that snake

Books that I buy

I read 1-3 books a week
From the library, I am a geek
I will only buy reference books
Where there are chances for second looks
Now was that word Latin or Greek?

TV Westerns

I used to watch "Death Valley Days"
They advertised Boraxo with praise
You can clean your hands
Better than with other brands
That's what the mule team portrays

I'm so sorry!

I’m sorry I had an affair
I thought you wouldn't care
From the very start
I've been an old fart
And you're a billionaire

Stress relief

I always enjoy swinging at balls
When I'm stressed and
About to hit the walls
When I connect
I can deflect
Emotions that can get me in brawls

Bad dreams

“I’m sorry I had an affair” …
But I had a real scare
I dreamt we had a divorce
And it certainly of course
My sex life, I had to repair

Ditch digging days

When working in a ditch
I began to violently twitch
After being given meds
Both white and reds
The cause was found to be "jock itch"

Glug

They just developed a new drink called "Glug"
I want to try it and then give it a plug
After drinking it, I may want to die
So if things tend to go awry
Please clean my "hurls" from the rug

Quick! Get me a bucket!

After my love note was "returned to sender"
I became really ill. I was on a bender.
I mixed vodka and rye
And after a good cry
I drank the mix from my blender

The end of my act

I used to be a light eater
A real geek, a carny greeter
But I had to pass
Up that broken glass
When I bled red through my peter

A book review

My face shines like semi-gloss
After reading The Mill on the Floss
It lent me a smile
That will last for a while
So I'm unlikely to be cross

Enuresis

My sheets of yellow
Were never mellow
My bed was wet
And I used to fret
I was a peein' fellow

By the grace of God

Be it cloudy or gray
It won't be a happy day
To be "gay" is sad
I'm just so glad
I don't have that dossier

Her poor kitty cat

A cat-owner made a mistake
Pressed her microwave to "bake"
She nearly had a cow
When she heard a meow
And now she has feline steak

I'm suing the city!

My city I really want to sue
After my flu shot, I got the flu
Although I must agree
I received it for free
My anger I need to spew

The mouse pad

My pet mice have a pad
That's fixed up rather rad
The walls are covered with either print or paint
About which I have received not one complaint
But if they're unhappy
It's just too bad

An ode to my poetic muse

Thanks for taking the time
to address us all in rhyme
You are the causation
And my poetic inspiration
Who caused me to hit my prime

Looking downward

Horticulturists love things that grow
They like things when they look below
They want things to germinate
While I wish to exterminate
The bugs in my chateau