Keeping up with the neighbors

A gal who was terribly vain
Was to her husband a ball and chain
She spent all his money
Bleak day or one sunny
For the appearance she could feign

Mr High and mighty

A man who was terribly vain
Drove those nearby insane
He felt he was blessed
And well above the rest
And if help was needed he'd abstain

It's snowing!

Oh where oh where can I take a dump?
That's snow I mean, I got you chump
I've broken my shovel
Outside of my hovel
And I'm certain that I need a vacuum pump

Pet photos

My dogie's picture is blurred
Because he looked up at a bird
Trying hard to get him to sit
Gave the photographer a fit
And I heard him say a curse word

Pre-Pre-Nup

A lawyer said to his date
Sign here, i just can't wait
You'll have to agree
Not to sue me
If our relationship doesn't go great

The trials of an unlikeable fellow

A fellow whose voice is quite grating,
Fell through the ice while ice skating
He yelled and he screamed
And he got rather steamed
Because people nearby stood waiting

A comment about Diane Rehm

A fellow whose voice is quite grating
Found NPR's Diane Rehm worth dating
But as the information grew
There were more then a few
In the audience who wished a correction procedure
before mating.

Fruit for the beholder

I love beans, the musical fruit
For whenever I eat them, I toot
A musical band
Is what I had planned
But whenever my friends hear me, they scoot

I view movies at home

Until movies come out on DVD
I'm very unlikely to go see
The theater and it's noise
Just simply destroys
All pleasure and I might get disease

War, what is it good for?

Here's something that I feel in my core
As long as there are humans. there will be war
We can write any law
And ask violators to withdraw
But it won't stop the violence and gore

A really neat idea!

Wouldn't it be neat to invent a musical Rubik's cube?
Just think of all the minds it's creation would lube
Such an ascent
Would be time well spent
But I'm just going to relax and watch the tube

Giving the silent treatment

If I would study and learn
I could get what I yearn
I always wanted to a mime
And when I find the time
I'll have money to burn

Pass the calculator, please!

While young I attended school
The calculator was the slide rule
Those who couldn't follow its path
Had a heck of a time with math
And often occupied the dunce stool

On top

I'd always rather be on top
Then wading in some slop
But if you are enough bold
To provide sufficient gold
I might be willing to swap

An answer to a query

I don't know why my hair is not all white
Will that diminish me in your sight?
I am a bit older
But not any bolder
A good looking cadaver may be my plight

An answer to a query

I don't know why my hair is not all white
Will that diminish me in your sight?
I am a bit older
But not any bolder
A good looking cadaver may be my plight

The ambidextrous showman

A sports-loving fellow named Lee
Loved to show off ambidextrously
First his left hand, then his right
And when a full crowd was in sight
He'd use his nose as a tee

I used to try everything

I just tasted some "trucker jam"
It's flavor is something like spam
I now really think
I'll need lots to drink
Before my next tasting exam

I don't believe in horoscopes, but....

I just read my horoscope Aquarius
And I find it really quite hilarious
What it said really fit
Nearly with wit
About my problems precarious

Troubling times

A sports-loving fellow named Lee,
Was in court taking a plea
About an illegal bet
Where a sting was set
It will be eight years before he is free

Sports injury

A sports-loving fellow named Lee,
Was desperate when he injured his knee
He felt utter disgrace
Each time he lost a race
It's a pity he skied into that tree

I love self-service!

I purchase everything self serve
Dealing with salesmen hits a nerve
All they care about is the sale
No matter what lies in the tale
Buying solo, my sanity I preserve

Doing time

I'm doing time
For a life of crime
I wear a tight chain
So they can constrain
My evil, I am slime

Here's my two scents!

Why do so many trees need be felled?
The old wood chopper yelled
After a day in the forest
I drive to the florist
So the tree odor can be expelled

Battling the elements

I knew that I had made a mistake
Walking in the desert while half awake
When I heard that rattle
I feared I was in for a battle
Trying to outrun that snake

Books that I buy

I read 1-3 books a week
From the library, I am a geek
I will only buy reference books
Where there are chances for second looks
Now was that word Latin or Greek?

TV Westerns

I used to watch "Death Valley Days"
They advertised Boraxo with praise
You can clean your hands
Better than with other brands
That's what the mule team portrays

I'm so sorry!

I’m sorry I had an affair
I thought you wouldn't care
From the very start
I've been an old fart
And you're a billionaire

Stress relief

I always enjoy swinging at balls
When I'm stressed and
About to hit the walls
When I connect
I can deflect
Emotions that can get me in brawls

Bad dreams

“I’m sorry I had an affair” …
But I had a real scare
I dreamt we had a divorce
And it certainly of course
My sex life, I had to repair

Ditch digging days

When working in a ditch
I began to violently twitch
After being given meds
Both white and reds
The cause was found to be "jock itch"

Glug

They just developed a new drink called "Glug"
I want to try it and then give it a plug
After drinking it, I may want to die
So if things tend to go awry
Please clean my "hurls" from the rug

Quick! Get me a bucket!

After my love note was "returned to sender"
I became really ill. I was on a bender.
I mixed vodka and rye
And after a good cry
I drank the mix from my blender

The end of my act

I used to be a light eater
A real geek, a carny greeter
But I had to pass
Up that broken glass
When I bled red through my peter

A book review

My face shines like semi-gloss
After reading The Mill on the Floss
It lent me a smile
That will last for a while
So I'm unlikely to be cross

Enuresis

My sheets of yellow
Were never mellow
My bed was wet
And I used to fret
I was a peein' fellow

By the grace of God

Be it cloudy or gray
It won't be a happy day
To be "gay" is sad
I'm just so glad
I don't have that dossier

Her poor kitty cat

A cat-owner made a mistake
Pressed her microwave to "bake"
She nearly had a cow
When she heard a meow
And now she has feline steak

I'm suing the city!

My city I really want to sue
After my flu shot, I got the flu
Although I must agree
I received it for free
My anger I need to spew

The mouse pad

My pet mice have a pad
That's fixed up rather rad
The walls are covered with either print or paint
About which I have received not one complaint
But if they're unhappy
It's just too bad

An ode to my poetic muse

Thanks for taking the time
to address us all in rhyme
You are the causation
And my poetic inspiration
Who caused me to hit my prime

Looking downward

Horticulturists love things that grow
They like things when they look below
They want things to germinate
While I wish to exterminate
The bugs in my chateau