I'm a messy painter

I'm a messy painter

After my lousy penchant as a dripper
I needed a professional paint stripper
And I have to strongly stress
Since he cleaned my mess
I have become a very huge tipper

In bad taste

In bad taste

I just tasted creek water clam
It's flavor is something like spam
I now really think
I'll need lots to drink
Before my next tasting exam

It's darn hot

 It's darn hot!© Rob Hood 6/29/12
I need to avoid getting into and driving that hot car
That burn from the steering wheel will leave a scar
It's so extremely nasty and hot
I can fry an egg on the spot
All of streets in this town smell from melting tar

It's not having a good effect

 It's not having a good effect© Rob Hood 6/29/12

I'm using a new prescribed drug
I feel draggy and  move like a slug
What the darn heck
I feel like a wreck
I should have bought dope from a thug

Holding down the costs

 Holding down the costs© Rob Hood 6/29/2012

I had a very interesting talk with a shrink today
But the moment was lost when it was time to pay
Past ghosts were lost
At a very high cost
In the future I'll have to speed up what I say

I'm a foodie

I'm a foodie© Rob Hood 6/28/12

I shop around for tasty dishes
I love pastrami, lox and knishes
But sadly if I used the good china
My wife would have symptoms of angina
For that would not meet her wishes

Why can't I win

 Why can't I win© Rob Hood 6/28/12

It's sad. I've never been a lottery winner
I never even won enough to buy a dinner
Maybe if I tried
I really applied
I would buy a ticket and be a beginner

I should have bought a stronger plant

 I should have bought a stronger plant

A plant was knocked over in my outside pot
It was done in by an insect I should have swat
The moments before are quite a bit hazy
So I'm not sure how it destroyed that daisy
Another lesson to me has been taught

Built like Fort Knox

Built like Fort Knox

The other day I put money in a bank
That was armored and built like tank
But today I wanted to take it out
And  the banker said no with a pout
So my confidence in the economy sank

A new feature on FB

 A new feature on FB

Some change is definitely good
Bad things have forever stood
If Facebook wants to edit
I think we should give it credit
For doing what it should

No lives lost

 No lives lost

I have several damages from the storm
That came at night with temperatures warm
But I have the Lord above to thank
I'll gladly give donations to the blood bank
Because I can recover my costs on a claim form

Kevin Youkilis has left Boston

 Kevin Youkilis has left Boston

To be in the majors is to be on an endangered list
You gotta keep your average up, that's the gist
you must prepare
To avoid any error
Or you will be removed from our midst

They can't catch me

 They can't catch me

I love to drive over ninety in a fast car
It makes me feel powerful like a czar
Never mind what thinks the cops
Hidden behind signs and shops
I'll keep forever driving fast and far

An ominous warning

 An ominous warning

You should go into a public park
With wood and tools and build an ark
Why not build in your yard you say?
There are too many things in the way
Please build it now before it's dark

Bad timing

Bad timing

I was at home playing with my winky
When my Dad surprised me with a slinky
He came too soon into my room
I just had got off, I was abloom
And he told my Mom that I was kinky

Free today

Free today

OMG is it really free?
You're letting us in without a fee
I knew that this was my lucky day
Your generosity will help defray
My cost of living, that's the key

Congrats on your anniversary

 Congrats on your anniversary

Congratulations to you both
you've had eleven years of
continual growth!
Since the time you wed
Got together and weaved
a thread
After making that blessed oath!

I feel crappy this morning

 I feel crappy this morning

I feel like I got hit by a train
My allergies are a strain
I'm feeling blue
What can I do?
Oh wait, that coffee just hit my brain

Darn! It's lost.

 Darn! It's lost.

I'm out here in the driving rain
Why I'm here, I'll need to explain
I lost my winning lottery ticket
When frightened by a cricket
And now I'm searching in vain

Looking one's best

Looking one's best

A woman was putting on airs
Coloring all of her grey hairs
She wanted to look young
As she often stayed among
Whores who sold their wares

At night in my tent

At night in my tent

When I was in Boy Scout camp
I lay on ground that was damp
As I tried to read
I lost my feed
From my battery powered lamp

Motel blues

 Motel blues

I had a guest room at the cockroach motel
Whose primary feature was it's smell
The garbage outside lay in a heap
More than twenty four fathoms deep
But it's lumpy mattress  was swell

Watch out!

Watch out!

I desperately wanted that snake out of my pool
I was hurried and couldn't find the right tool
After i grabbed it with my hand
To the hospital I did land
I was bit by a water moccasin school

Wasting the A/C

 Wasting the A/C
I tell the kids "please close that door"
Cooling the city is something I abhor
I don't want that sacrifice on my dime
I want to save while in my prime
I don't want to pay Ameren anymore

The end is in sight

I asked my mom, what's the diff
If I drive my new car off the cliff
You won't care if I die
You won't even cry
If tomorrow you read I'm a stiff

Holder

Holder
They found him in contempt
He thought of himself exempt
He thought he could get away
And continue to stray
But not on the first attempt

You are a stinker

You are a stinker

Hello Cassius
You sure are gaseous
Your tushie smell
Is not so swell
Please leave this room
So I spray perfume

If elephants could...

If elephants could...

Here's a little note about birds
That often dive bomb with turds
I would certainly die
If elephants could fly
Especially if they did so in herds

A Change of position

A Change of position

Presently if I took my dog to work
I'd be called names and thought berserk
But if I quit my job
And became mailman Rob
I could take Rover while I'm a postal clerk

A change of fortune

A man who was never in doubt
Bought a fancy suit to tout
The fact he was rich
Which was a big switch
Since he was poor as a sprout

A one way sort of guy

A man who was very astute
Was a very nasty brute
His enemies, he first would shun
Then afterwards, he would stun
Sending them one way to Beirut

Aligning words and music

Aligning words and music

I take music empirical
With words satirical
I hope I'm not wrong
Writing this song
With words that are lyrical

A pick me up

A pick me up

I love a sugar beet
It's absolutely a treat
Drug me with coffee
Butterscotch and toffee
They are so sweet

Offensive?

Offensive?

You may not condescend
In the stuff that you send
But I need cousin Schroder
To act as my decoder
To decide if you offend

My hidden traits

 My hidden traits

I may sound like I'm sarcastic
When I trip the light fantastic
So that you won't surmise
I've hidden behind my disguise
The fact that I am spastic

Wait a moment............

A woman was shooting the breeze
Her nose itched, started to sneeze
Several moments passed
After that humongous blast
It seemed like it was a time freeze