It's not real life

 It's not real life
Those dolls Barbie and Ken
Are produced in Phnom penh
They are inelastic
Made from plastic
Neither are women nor men

Whew it's hot!

 Whew it's hot!
My next door neighbor fell on his deck
He was sweaty and looked like a wreck
When it's hot
The time is not
To overdress and wear a turtle neck

What did we do to deserve this?

 What did we do to deserve this?
I myself and my wife
Were in the prime of life
When on the road
A truck tire implode
Caused our truck to jack knife

Who shrunk my clothes?

 Who shrunk my clothes?
I went to an you can eat buffet
Where I really loaded my tray
Tomorrow I'll be very careful and fast
But I don't know how long it will last
I really don't want  to check what I weigh

So much for Hefty bags!

 So much for Hefty bags!
I put too much in my garbage bag
It was so loaded,it started to sag
Then the dern thing broke
Spilling Pepsi and Coke
Now here I am cleaning with a rag

Always hire the best doctor

Always hire the best doctor

A gal who was known for her flash

Had a manner exceedingly brash

When she tried to self-treat

What she assumed prickly heat

It caused her body functions to crash

 

The end of a relationship

The end of a relationship
Since my gal had to decide between alcohol and me
It was certain our relationship was no longer to be
For it was so snappy
A beer made her happy
While I never drink anything stronger than tea

Note to a book club

 Note to a book club

When it comes to our list

Cheryl simply can’t resist

That is quite a tale

Hits upon a nail

The authors ability to twist

I was an evil child

 I was an evil child
The big house was where I spent my youth
I acted evil and was in many ways uncouth
A teacher tied me to a tree
And when I became free
I beat and left him with just a single tooth

Nature boy?

 Nature boy?
A large wigwam or a tepee
Is simply not home to me
I sleep in the nude
It would be crude
If my neighbors could see

The south is nice to visit, but........

 The south is nice to visit, but........
It has been my goal to avoid southern climes
Places where the KKK have done many crimes
 I would only live in the land of Dixie
If  enchanted by a mischievous pixie
And no pixie has been seen in modern times

Diving at the finish line

 Diving at the finish line


A woman who fell on her face
Actually finished first in a race
Forward she threw
Causing  a coup
Leaving the losers in disgrace

Bag lady

 Bag lady
When I saw a bag lady today
I gave her a large food tray
 She really looks so gaunt
That large tasty croissant
Frames a tasty buffet

English is tough

 English is tough
I hope this isn't taken as a slight
English is difficult to say or write
There once was a man
Who hailed from Japan
Who did not know wongs from white

Censorship

 Censorship
When I was added to a black list
I became extraordinarily pissed
It's immoral I said
You have been misled
Why can't we just coexist?

My boat

 My boat
I bought a very huge rickety boat
Who knows how I'll keep it afloat
It's got a hole in the aft
Where I store my raft
In case it sinks in this moat

Crabs, anyone?

 Crabs, anyone?
If you'd like crabs
Mine our up for grabs
I have to say ouch
They are in my croutch
Itching has left me scabs

Don't mess with me!

 Don't mess with me!
As my wife and I sat and ate
An large iguana tried to mate
Upon my left knee
But I got it free
Now it's dinner on my plate

Small ball

 Small ball
Winning baseball teams play small ball
Players stealing bases are part of a cabal
 They need effort to score
Make one base into four
And hope the umpire makes the right call

Know thyself

 Know thyself
Each day is the time to atone
Until we know that we haven't grown
And our true self
Remains on the shelf
Where it was placed by G-d on loan

New hot book

 New hot book
I don't want to buy "50 Shades of Grey"
For a sexual experience I'm unwilling to pay
At the going rate
so until costs abate
I'll need something else to lead me astray

My apology

 My apology
I'm sorry I gave you such a start
I really tried to muffle that fart
But once it left my cheek
It's power reached it's peak
And things really came apart

Comparative rodents

 Comparative rodents
A squirrel is a great acrobat
An it seems to be rarely fat
It flies through the air
With the greatest of flair
Unlike it's cousin the rat

Twisted nursery tales

 Twisted nursery tales

The young woman ate that prince
With tomatoes, lettuce and quince
She enjoyed him so well
There was created a spell
And she has not seen a frog since

I'm going to sue my dentist!

 I'm going to sue my dentist!

My dentist had to reinforce a tooth
As a child I savored many Baby Ruth
He built a crown
Colored brown
Which makes me look uncouth

It's too darn hot!

 It's too darn hot!
Climatically it's been a strange year
Bringing Al Gore much to cheer
He believes humans are harming
Bringing to earth global warming
But things may not be as they appear

My message for the day

 My message for the day

Happiness might not be bought by money
But it makes each day a little more sunny
Good family and good health
Actually are better than wealth
That's my message for today, honey

The cow with writer's block

 The cow with writer's block

The cow felt a bit of rue
Since she said nothing but moo
If she could past that restriction
After learning some diction
Then she say something new

Depression can be devastating!

Depression can be devastating!
A fellow was starting to rue
Things he never did pursue
Although he had great life
 Many children and a wife
He felt his happiness untrue

I got it on Groupon!

I got it on Groupon!
I hate when prices are so doggone steep
I want what I need available and cheap
Every day I look at Groupon
For the very best coupon
With that deal on a broom I can sweep

Bad economic times

 Bad economic times
In order for me to mow my lawn
I had to get my mower out of pawn
I had to sell my cloak
Because I was broke
My checking account was over drawn

A thought to authors

A thought  to authors

Write down what's in your head.  
You need to get it said. 
 I hope it gets you dough
and then you'll know. 
 It's gotten out there and read!

It's me, The Wolfman

It's me, The Wolfman

It's true I'm crazy as a loon
All night  I bay at the moon
Each day when I sleep
You won't hear a peep
But at night I'll be back really soon

My field is entomology

 My field is entomology

In my yard I often pick up sticks
And then I employ them in tricks
I have become famous and well known
Because when those sticks are thrown
They eliminate from the area all ticks

A stunner?

 A stunner?

When my new wife first saw my body undressed
Her shock was so great that I confessed
I knew that it was shoddy
To have such an ugly body
But that's how The One above left me blessed

My new job as a weatherman

 My new job as a weatherman

I'm at a weather forecasting stage
Where I use a raft as a rainfall gauge
Using a basin tucked inside
Away from the part that I ride 
While collecting minimum wage

That stinky garbage can

 That stinky garbage can

As I opened up that unwieldy tank
I couldn't get over how much it stank
Trying to get a smell that's sweeter
I opened a package of odor eater
But the can remained quite rank

I'm so weird!

 I'm so weird!

I don't fight the demons in my head
I can't wait to see them when I'm abed
They seem so very neat
Each nightmare is a treat
I can't tell if they are real or from a book I read

Why I struck out

 Why I struck out
It was  as if the ball had eyes
It knew when to fall or rise
A pitch I didn't like
Was called a strike
Which led to my demise

Stealing bases

Stealing bases

Before stealing second
The pitcher's arm beckoned
When he was to throw
So in a dash I did go
Faster than he reckoned

Kibitzing

 Kibitzing
I like to chat as well as post
It stimulates my inner host
Where my rhyming talents lie
 How they got there I know not why

To a princess...

 To  a princess...

I have to look at history
To study what is a mystery
About a Princess of royalty
I hope she doesn't think disloyalty
When I say
In this way
I'm sorry that it was so alarming
That I wasn't your Prince Charming

No one likes....

 No one likes....
It's clever how no one likes
What I have to say, but yikes
It's a different slant
That does not enchant
I'll express it when the mood strikes

Fantastic fantasy

 Fantastic fantasy
Flesh Gordon's a badly made porn
It drives blue bloods with scorn
But I often do pray
To have that sex ray
Into my clutches not just to adorn

Exercise

 Exercise
I walk my treadmill every night
My abs are getting quite tight
But my body's no dream
It's so ugly, it's so obscene
I wear loose clothes to keep it out of sight

The reading bug

 The reading bug
I've read many books to thee
Since birth, and now you're three
I've planted a seed
I hope you'll read
To grand children on your knee

Last prayer

 Last prayer
If today was truly my last day
About tomorrow what would I say?
As I leave this world
This thought will be unfurled
I tried to do my best, okay?

Done in by his arts

Done in by his arts
A fellow was proud of his skill
Applied his ink to a sharp quill
A misstep and he was stabbed
And had not his worker blabbed
He'd be lying on the ground still

A terrorizing look

 A terrorizing look
He was making faces at me
For reasons I couldn't see
It was seriously weird
The way he sneered
On that we can agree

Foolish deeds

 Foolish deeds
As he drew his final breath
He knew he had reached death
In his mind a final thought
He wished he hadn't bought
That ounce of crystal meth

Prune power

 Prune power
A powerful sweet fruit is the prune
Into toilets blockages are strewn
For an end to pain
Down the drain
Take it and you'll feel better soon

Santa says

Santa says

Going up, up and away
I was in orbit in my sleigh
But that down draft
Has made me daft
Now I fear that I will splay

Dangerous deeds

 Dangerous deeds
Today he vacuumed the pool
Some of you may find it cool
But an electric shock
Will require a good doc
Or he will end up a ghoul

I'm terrified!

 I'm terrified!
I never skate inside a rink
Lately my armor got a chink
Off this  mountain I may fall
It'll be the end, so it'll be all
I am trembling at the brink

Competition

 Competition

The proximity of the outlet mall
Wiped out all competition small
Due to loaded dice
They paid the price
So we can shop "Big and Tall"

My shelter

My shelter

I live in an illegal pad
Where utilities are bad
I find empty homes on Craig
Whose ownership is vague
Since cost is cheap, I'm glad

Keep your chest up!

Keep your chest up!

A gal who was painfully shy
When approaching a cute fellow would cry
She thought her love was in vain
Because she was so very plain
But her hooters made her desirable to his eye

Moody

Moody
A moody young woman with ‘tude
Told her lover she was not in the mood
For any mention of sex
She became his ex
Their relationship has conclude