Dangerous times

I protest that I am no bum
That's not what I've become
I'm not out of work yet
Though it's a big threat
In this economy I may succumb

Sweet Wednesday!

No matter the election results, I'll be happy when Wednesday comes
There will be no more politicians flapping their gums
It's always the same when I turn on my tv
All the damn politicians scream like a banshee
Until then I'll continue taking anacin and tums

A Halloween that I can deal with

Manufactured costumes have become intensive
Approaching this holiday has made me apprehensive
Why have costumes become so dear?
In these economic times we need to be austere
I'll need to self create costumes that are less expensive

He was not impressive

A fellow was late for his train
Got hit by semi and thus slain
His wife was to speak at the service
But she became extremely nervous
Because she couldn't think of anything germane

A word to the wise

If you want to make change
You must first work to rearrange
The minds of the voters
Through intelligent promoters
A strategy to be followed long range

Wheel of unfortune

Oh what a night
Poor Vanna White
The wheel fell
Upon that belle
And she was killed outright

Pre election blues?

It's so sad that you feel bad
But the country has been had
To pass programs the populace doesn't want
Are politically the actions of an idiot savant
That is why you have symptoms of Gad

Uneven days

We have our ups and downs
We sometimes have smiles or frowns
If everything always was the same
Life would be rather lame
In both sights and sounds

Corruption at the FDA

The FDA is all about money
They could care less
if your food is runny
They will take a bribe
So Monsanto can transcribe
If it wasn't sad
It would be funny

Religious zealots on Halloween

When I was young, I would glean
Lots of candy on Halloween
But I usually avoided religious fundies
Who were evil every day but Sundays
They would put pins in the treat
Trying hard to make me obsolete
So avoid them if you can
Or you won't grow up to be a man

Please help me!

Quick hand me a bucket or pail
As I need it most urgently to bail
I don't want to sink
And go down in the drink
Because I might be swallowed by a whale

Coming next week...

Be prepared for this direction
To a Democrat defection
With the voter dissatisfaction
They'll be a chain reaction
At the coming election

Taking a break from it all

A fellow was late for his train
Felt it was time to abstain
From riding the rails
So he furled his sails
Towards the island of Biscayne

In a word "fear"

I quake when I am around you
Why that occurs I haven't a clue
You're always the one
Who can't be out done
So I flee when you come into view

Deep thoughts

I have something to say that's not profound
I can express it loudly or without a sound
To the Lord above I have no beef
You've given me life, though only brief
And I am happy I'm still around.

Reading time

I like to snuggle in a nook
Comforting myself with a book
I used to read all the best sellers
But some were rotten, really smellers
Books like that are for a schnook

Better late then never

A fellow was late for his train
Had too much going on in his brain
His driving got wild
And later he was riled
When his car was smashed up by a crane

A fellow was late for his train
Thought his future was down the drain
But his lateness avoided a collision
Which could meant a circumcision
So he really didn't have a reason to complain

A fellow was late for his train
Gave his boss the best excuse he could feign
The reason he was late
Was the train had to wait
After the engineer had a chest pain

A fellow was late for his train
Rapidly drove his car in the rain
When he hit a tree
His soul burst free
Of his earthly body and brain

A fellow was late for his train
Took a flight into Bahrain
Where he discovered oil
Deep in the desert soil
But the locals took it by eminent domain

A fellow was late for his train
Distilled alcohol from grain
He wasn't worried
And never hurried
Cause the fumes damaged his brain

I'm Popeye

I'm Popeye by Rob Hood©10/25/10

I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
I love to go swimmin
With bald headed women
I'm Popeye the sailor man

My repulsive "friend"

Excuse me for this short diversion
But I have a major aversion
Of people who preen
While acting mean
It reeks of a perversion

Holding it together

It took me ages to acquire
A thing to bind my home entire
My home was of poor construct
The result of a builder who really sucked
Thank heavens for my nice guy wire

At the college baseball draft

With the competition so meager
I was really quite eager
As I licked my chops
Pulling out all stops
To become a major leaguer

Thoughts for the day

I've been all around the bible belt
I've spent time in the land where prophets dwelt
I've studied lore and religion
Much more than a smidgen
And i accept the life that I've been dealt

A moment at the WC

I went to the water closet
To make a personal deposit
I was very stolid
When it came out solid
A non roughage composite

The slovenly fellow

A fellow whose shirt was all stained
Had no teeth and ate everything strained
What missed his spoon
Flew on him like a typhoon
A bigger utensil could not be obtained

It's a beautiful day

It's a special sunny day
Let's give a big hooray
There's no clouds on the horizon
Living life is what I'm prize'n
Don't live life half way

More on hammers

While out swimming on a lark
I spied a hammerhead shark
As I dashed for the shore
Sweat drenched from each pore
Till I found I was in an amusement park

I am such a klutz

Indeed I am all thumbs
When I do crafts with my chums
Yesterday I did flail
Trying to hammer a nail
And it got me in the gums

How I handle stress

I feel great with a hammer and a drill
They are precisely my analytic pill
Why lay on a couch
Developing a pouch
When I can create while not paying a doctor bill

Some bills need early payment

A fellow whose car had been towed
Had no way to take to the road
So he waited in line
To pay the court fine
Wishing he had earlier paid what he owed

Fear can upset you

A fellow whose car had been towed
Had a deep sense of forebode
His deep fear
Cost him dear
As he ran all the way to the commode

He looked sick

A fellow was feeling quite queasy
Hurled large chunks that looked cheesy
Relieved of that load
He ate pie ala-mode
Then he sat down and took it easy

An interesting idea

When the police wanted to end a crime ring
They thought they developed a remarkable sting
Free HBO for life
For a gun and a knife
But the criminals had a free feed from Beijing

A lousy day at the ball park

I spent an awful day at the game
The refereeing was largely to blame
Too bad that the ump
Was dumber than Forrest Gump
It gave me the urge to defame

The inspector

The local building inspector
Moonlights as a garbage collector
When he's in a funk
He picks up junk
It's a very haunting spectre

Prison inmates

Why coddle inmates in an institution
When there's a much better solution
Let them sleep on the floor
Swaddled with an electric blanket
that can be used some more
When it's time for their execution

A weapon of choice

It's not high hat
To own a firm bat
I purchased a Louisville Slugger
Custom made for a thief or a mugger
Or a rodent resembling a rat

Hemp's fury

When I was using my weed eater
My eyes got glassy, I began to teeter
I suffered from nature's wrath
Because of issues with new math
I didn't know an ounce from a kilometer

A man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who always used to do it in a bucket
To him a toilet was an invention
That he viewed with apprehension
And all he wanted was to chuck it

The Knight

He wore an interesting coat of arms
Which foretold his heraldic charms
His ultra regal bearing
Was on the insignia he was wearing
Both on front and on his forearms

Evil Woman

An attractive but cold-hearted tease
Brought all of the men to their knees
They presented her with candy
Cause she made men feel randy
But alas she was no man's squeeze

My hair won't stay down!

My hair won't stay down!
I really have the most freaky hair
When anyone sees me they stare
It simply does not ever stay right
When combed with all my might
I fear that I'll never be debonair

Oration advice

When you need to make a speech
Talk loudly, but please don't screech
There's no need to make noise
Just work with your poise
And you'll have the crowd in your reach

Pam Anderson's problem

When a bit of Pamela burst free, she was taken to court
She was told by the judge that partial nudity was a tort
Pamela was much enraged
So the best attorney she engaged
Who promptly sued Maidenform for lack of support

Paladino

Paladino seems like an evil prick
A very stupid Republican pick
The better Republicans around
Must have all skipped town
And the party deserves a kick

D**m bugs

Bugs are everywhere
They seem to have no care
Where they go
Or make their chateau
On your body or in your hair

I missed it!

Oops! I just missed National Vodka Day
But I think that's really okay
I stayed off the juice
Avoided alcohol abuse
That's why I feel healthy today

She's dizzy

My eldest daughter
Is like a fish out of water
She works with metal
Warmed by a kettle
When she really needs to solder

Tug of war

As the contestants engaged in a tug of war
Some stayed on their feet, some hit the floor
The crowd would watch
Their favorites botch
Their chances to go on anymore

Nudenik

A naked young woman named May
Was a nudist who just wouldn't stray
Her husband wanted her to wear a dress
But she would never acquiesce
And her male neighbors all shouted hooray

A naked young woman named May
Attended a nudist church each Sunday
She could tell the priest was human
As his member was proudly bloomin'
Much to the bishop's dismay

A naked young woman named May
In Hawaii was presented with a lei
She felt over dressed
And later confessed
That on leaving she threw it away

It's flu season, y'all

It's flu season, y'all

When I read about Spanish Flu
My fear of pandemics grew
Each year that I get a shot
I reduce these fears a lot
After I stand inside the queue

Misspeak

When you called me a nerd
I found it quite absurd
Nor am I a geek
So don't misspeak
Or you will be deterred

The song of the vampire

I like to stay close, but out of sight
While darting swiftly through the night
When some see blood
They drop down, thud
But I can hardly wait to take a bite