Friday, December 31, 2010

In flight power failure

I was flying by line of sight
I told the crew to hang tight
Our plane flew into some twisters
That fried all the transistors
And we nearly died of fright

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My defective pillow

I have a defective pillow
At night it just won't billow
I have to frown
It was made from down
From geese in Amarillo

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

South Dakota

With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein

South Dakota where the wind goes sweepin' through your hair
It blows and blows
And after it goes
You can use it to catch insects as a snare
You know you belong to that state
Because it's so absolutely great
And when you say
You're doing fine South Dakota
South Dakota, USA

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The death of my pets

The other day I was sad, my mind was in a fog
My kissing gourami swallowed my african frog
Sadly they both died in my tank
Neither could breathe, so they sank

Monday, December 27, 2010

Bird Food

See all of the birdies in the tree
The mother bird and each trainee
They eat all kinds of bugs
Including worms and slugs
If I were a bug, I would flee

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The messy eater

A man was enjoying dessert
Got a big stain on his shirt
He poured water from his glass
On that sticky chocolate mass
While listening to a jazz concert

It stopped a bullet

I have a true story thats not droll
About candy called the Tootsie Roll
It was really on the spot
And it saved me when I was shot
In the Korean War near Seoul

Saturday, December 25, 2010

My Lord, how the money rolls in!

I'm so enthralled with my money tree
It grew from a seed now I'm bourgeoisie
I used to be poor
Now I have grandeur
I no longer work. I'm a retiree

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'm going to pieces!

Several sleepless nights have produced bags under my eyes
I'm so filled with deep fears and worries that I can't disguise
My thoughts and dreams
Are out of their seams
Not getting psychiatric help has definitely been unwise

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm locked up!

I spent all night in the protozoa jail
No sporozoan would go my bail
So here I'll stay
Cause I can't pay
Just route all email to the protozoa jail

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Too much time on my hands

I had to kill some time so I became a knitter
At first it was difficult, but I was no quitter
I sat for hours
Beneath towers
Apparently too long, I was cited for litter

Monday, December 20, 2010

Hoover blues

When I use my vacuum cleaner
It changes my doggie's demeanor
He tries to act tough
But its really a bluff
It's really more fear and less meaner

Don't look too closely

A gal who was showing some thigh
Was happy it pleased man's eye
She was glad for the smoky haze
Keeping her countenance from their gaze
Such a discovery would never fly

Sunday, December 19, 2010

She was drunk

A gal who was showing some thigh
Smoked pot and drank much rye
When she was goaded
To tell why she was loaded
She said to act thus, she must get high

The lady was a flirt

A gal who was showing some thigh
Decided to poke a cad in the eye
Although she did flirt
While raising her skirt
Toward one of her friends nearby

Stay out of my pool!

Please don't jump into my pool
Is what I yelled to that crazy fool
But he was young
And he had flung
Himself into kiddie pee and animal stool

Friday, December 17, 2010

A birthday wish

If I’m given a birthday wish,
I’ll prob’ly choose som’thin delish.
To accompany a movie from Netflix
Filled with beautiful and exotic chicks
Possibly pizza, but not deep dish.

If I’m given a birthday wish,
I’ll prob’ly choose som’thin delish.
I’d fill up my tummy
With som’thin yummy
Possibly pizza, but not deep dish.

The new restaurant

Hey, grab yourself a seat
At that new place to eat
You'll need to buy new garbs
They load the food with carbs
They really know how to cheat

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The idea man

Darkness is a bitch
So why not switch
On the light
You'll get sight
And I won't snitch

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I am not really much of a prude

I am not really much of a prude
Licentious pictures keep me glued
For any heavily banned book
I’ll give more than a look
I especially like it if it’s lewd

Notes from Sam N Ella

I really do not mean to be a pest
Since I've awoken from my sleeping nest
If I make you ill
Buy a bigger pill
And then be really careful what you digest

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My town

I live in a city
A town without pity
That's my way
It's all I have to say
To avoid getting witty

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The salesman

A high-flying fellow in sales
Used to chase women’s tails
But after he went on a date
With a precocious jail bait
He spent lots of time in jails

A high-flying fellow in sales
Succeeded selling whiskey and ales
Although he was not debonair
He was able to snare
His best customers through emails

A high-flying fellow in sales
Spent time hunting quails
He had a blind spot
And whenever he shot
He hit them in their tails

Good Old Days

There was a time before TV
When radio entertained me
This was true despite
There was no view in sight
My imagination would run free

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Our home on the hill

We live on top of a very large hill
When icy, climbing takes great skill
While carrying our goods
In this neck of the woods
Doing our best to avoid a big spill

Friday, December 10, 2010


I'll be the chairman of the bored
Until sanity can be restored
I'm not much of a leader
And the board might teeter
But I'm all they can afford

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A crabby haiku

I do not like crabs
Because they itch and fester
They make me crabby

My "J" experience

As I was out walking I saw a jay
That seemed so blue, I had to say
I'm sorry that you're sad
Why have things gone bad
He did not answer and just flew away

Regarding changes in FB new format

I tend to strenuously avoid new things
Because of the bugs and the pings
I am set in my mold
With things that are old
Unaware of new gadgets "mood swings".

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Remembering Pearl

Why were the Yanks so upset when the Japs bombed Pearl Bailey?
She was quite a success on Broadway and the critics loved her gaily.
Perhaps the reason
For such high treason
Was that she was actually an Israeli

My uncle Don

i stay the hell away from my uncle Don
Who is well known as an infamous con
He hatches schemes at a speedy pace
He'll steal the eyes right off your face
So speed off to a country he'd avoid
Where it's less likely you'll be destroyed!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

What if........?

Imagine if the brothers Wright
Had failed in their effort of flight
Would we be immune
For a flight to the moon
If all we could do is fly a kite?

Monday, December 6, 2010

That was then, this is now

When Susan got kissed under the mistletoe
It was a different experience from a year ago
But then Meredith Baxter
Was not a has been actor
And today she got her kiss from a gigolo

A groupie with issues

A jittery fellow named Fred
Was enchanted by things Palin said
But when she said our friend was North Korea
He became sickly ill with a violent diarrhea
And he couldn't get it out of his head

Sunday, December 5, 2010

His good deed

A crazy man sat by the road
A good Samaritan up to him strode
For he had dared
A meal to be shared
By that man, the birds and a toad

A laugh-er

You should learn some jokes
And practice them on your folks
I pray for you the gift of laughter
You should have it now and after
Before you're old and suffer strokes

Saturday, December 4, 2010

An activity that I like!

To "pork" is not being a pig
It is a thing that I truly dig
So won't you lay down here
while I take out my spear
After you take another swig?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Chanukah 2010

Chanukah’s here, don’t you know it
And there are eight days to transmit
A season of joy
For every girl and boy
Jewish holidays are great from where I sit!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

DIY trip planning

A woman was planning a trip…
Felt all the trip planners a gyp
So she planned her own
From Nepal to Bastogne
And sailed on a slow moving ship

A tripped out gal

A woman was planning a trip…
Didn't want to over equip
She planned to go the Arctic
Her aim being cathartic
Where she would skinny dip

Friday, November 26, 2010

A salute to Ben Franklin

A salute to Ben Franklin©Rob Hood 11-26-10

"Early to bed, early to rise"
This is a philosophy we've come to prize
And as we grow old
We've become more sold
On this intelligent enterprise

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The cause of the smolder

I was awakened by my smoke alarm
Before there could be any harm
It seems that fire ants
Had gotten in my pants
After migrating from my ant farm

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The bathing beauty

A woman who grew up quite poor
Bathed regularly in the local sewer
People ran pell-mell
Whenever the smell
Indicated she was part of the tour

She had an ego trip

A woman who grew up quite poor
Became a well known raconteur
And she created
A image inflated
That gave her delusions of grandeur

Sunday, November 21, 2010

My purpose in life

I was always big
I eat like a pig
When they need someone heavy
To stop floods and plug up a levee
I'm included in the dig

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Why some relationships are rocky

My girlfriend has been acting strange
So I think of "us" short range
What seemed a heat rash
Is really a hot flash
She's going through "the change"

Friday, November 19, 2010

A mean woman

An old feminist lass from the East
Was interested in men, not the least
She wished she could render
An end to their gender
And all hindrance would be released

A friend said she is on vacation from writing limericks

How can you call writing limericks work?
They seem to me more of a perk
They give me so much fun
That when I am done
My countenance is filled with a smirk

I'm sticking to my budget

Everything has gone from steak to wurst
Economic finances have become reversed
So chuck that pastrami
And purchase a salami
And these bad times will be traversed

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My question to a friend

He said
A gal who was youngish, yet gray
Was grayer with each passing day
She dyed it this color
She liked her hair duller
Cause it kept the young stallions away

I asked
Why didn't she just go unkempt?
From young stallions she'd be exempt
If she was as sloppy
As a beat up jalopy
They would leave just to show their contempt

Scraping done well!

I wrote my thesis on the skyscraper
It was a very fascinating paper
Do you know the skyscrapers ploughed
Working with great effort to remove a cloud
And get above the vapor?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Windy, isn't it?

A gal who was youngish, yet gray
Cut off that fuzz and wore a toupee
She had great fun as a blond
And no one knew they were conned
Till a gust blew her hair piece away

Power to the people

A gal who was youngish, yet gray
was offered a small part in a play
But she was given a larger part
Then the one for the old tart
When the AARP held sway

The gray haired lass

A gal who was youngish, yet gray
Slept with only women and was gay
She had spent time with the boys
Energetically playing with their toys
But they couldn't satisfy and were sent away

Hindsight is 20-20

An alleged psychic presumed to foretell
A future that I have yearned to quell
He wanted to measure
My pain and no pleasure
After I banged up my head when I fell

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I went shopping at the store with little dinero
The clerk said to find bargains "Follow the arrow"
Well that arrow pointed in many directions
Impeding me with my selections
So to management I say "When you set up a store
Make it more logical or customers will stay out the door"

Monday, November 15, 2010

Love is

Love is all you need
It's the best urge to feed
If you make others feel good
You know it will be understood
As the greatest gift, indeed!!

Thoughts on working

Seven days of work makes one weak
An occasional respite is what I seek
I have thoroughly enjoyed
Being full time employed
And going without seems quite bleak

TV vs reading

I'll never tire of watching TV
For I love all that I see
I often read a book
Inside a quiet nook
Both activities fill me with glee!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I lit a match

I lit a match to see
The writing on the marquee
It said "Caution gas!"
I was hit by flying glass
And now I am part of the debris

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Life continues

When life is over, it's no big deal
It's just another spoke in the wheel
While many others dwell
On visions of heaven and hell
That's not the way I feel!

The birdcage

My life tweets as a canary
In my cage that is airy
Here I'll stay
Without dismay
While on outside it is scary

Doing time on planet nine

I'm locked in my cell
It's here I dwell
I cannot pass go
Or venture to and fro
My life's a living hell

Friday, November 12, 2010

Drunken fools redux

A guy who was drunk and lacked smarts
Got his college degree in the liberal arts
With all of his knowledge
From the best known college
He couldn't qualify for K-Marts

Tighten your belts, please!

Wearing pants with loose elastic,
working out with stunts gymnastic.
You should be careful to not be a goon
Should your pants fall and you make a moon
Shocking nuns and giving them pains gastric


I feel terrible, I know that I'm unfit
When I see food I crave a need for it
I hate myself and I feel so evil
when I gobble like a boll weevil
Excuse me, I need to eat a banana split

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Drunken fools

A man who was drunk and lacked smarts
Used to sound musically laden farts
Some notes got so high
People around him would sigh
At those odoriferous work of arts

A man who was drunk and lacked smarts
Drove around in a car missing parts
He didn't get sober
Till nearly October
When his car began giving him fits and starts

My plastic surgeon

My plastic surgeon can create
Strange oddities at a cut rate
You can star in a freak show
Your income will grow
He really knows how to desecrate

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Election results

I know you say "Oh, drat"
You favorites just went splat
They failed to deliver
Jobs even a sliver
So the voters told them "scat"

My thesis

The scientists gave me a grant
To study mating habits of an ant
Though they had the habits
To breed like rabbits
Scientific findings were scant

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My old clunker

My car blew a head gasket
And it's parts are in a basket
If things get worse
I won't be adverse
To dropping it in a casket

Monday, November 8, 2010

My high handicap

In golf when I drive a ball
You can observe the swing
But that's all
Because son of a gun
It's often a hole in one
Or else it will be a close call

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Mirror Images

One day while reclining
I read a book called "The Shining"
I felt kind of glum
Not knowing the meaning of REDRUM
Then I watched the movie
And what I saw was groovy
The view of the mirror where they were dining
Was a moment defining

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My beautiful steed

I fought a battalion
Just to win my stallion
He was a steed
Who possessed great speed
And won me many a medallion

My daily grind

Every day I write something new
Perhaps you'd like a view
But what I write
May not always be bright
But to the effort I am true.

I hate liars!

Sorry to make you sad
Sometimes I become bad
When someone spouts lies
My pique may arise
And my wrath is unclad

About death

We often wonder why
Good people have to die
It may displease
That life's a terminal disease
A law that no one can defy

Friday, November 5, 2010

Terrorism for dummies

I tried to propel a rocket
Towards the judge's docket
But it was caused to fail
And could not sail
When launching from my pocket

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Our librarian

Marian, lady librarian
Looked like a centenarian
But if you damage a tome
You better run for Rome
Cause she becomes a barbarian

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Reflections on graduation

I just graduated to the half way house
Thirty years after offing my spouse
I kicked up my heels
For free cable and meals
And I listened to music by Strauss

Election results

You certainly can't win them all
There's no reason for you're feeling small
After the G.O.P. fails to deliver
The voters will quiver
And the Dems will collect a big haul

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Permanent press

All my clothes are permanent press
When ironing I burn and make a mess
I was never majestic
At things domestic
I do not possess domestic finesse

Monday, November 1, 2010

My angry neighbor

My neighbor caught squirrels in a trap
Then electrified and killed them, zap
The squirrels caused a mess
And that's why I guess
His anger caused him to snap

Frazzled and sad

A frazzled new father named Jim
Was well known for mournful hymn
He fought with some slaughters
Who had killed both his daughters
They nearly tore him limb from limb

Get me to Starbucks, quick!

A frazzled new father named Jim
Filled his large coffee cup to the brim
He needed the jolt
Of many a bolt
To energize him with vigor and vim

Sleepless Nights

A frazzled new father named Jim
Had new sons Tom and Tim
Things never went right
He didn't sleep at night
Since his wife's breast milk turned to skim

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Dangerous times

I protest that I am no bum
That's not what I've become
I'm not out of work yet
Though it's a big threat
In this economy I may succumb

Sweet Wednesday!

No matter the election results, I'll be happy when Wednesday comes
There will be no more politicians flapping their gums
It's always the same when I turn on my tv
All the damn politicians scream like a banshee
Until then I'll continue taking anacin and tums

A Halloween that I can deal with

Manufactured costumes have become intensive
Approaching this holiday has made me apprehensive
Why have costumes become so dear?
In these economic times we need to be austere
I'll need to self create costumes that are less expensive

Saturday, October 30, 2010

He was not impressive

A fellow was late for his train
Got hit by semi and thus slain
His wife was to speak at the service
But she became extremely nervous
Because she couldn't think of anything germane

A word to the wise

If you want to make change
You must first work to rearrange
The minds of the voters
Through intelligent promoters
A strategy to be followed long range

Wheel of unfortune

Oh what a night
Poor Vanna White
The wheel fell
Upon that belle
And she was killed outright

Pre election blues?

It's so sad that you feel bad
But the country has been had
To pass programs the populace doesn't want
Are politically the actions of an idiot savant
That is why you have symptoms of Gad

Friday, October 29, 2010

Uneven days

We have our ups and downs
We sometimes have smiles or frowns
If everything always was the same
Life would be rather lame
In both sights and sounds

Corruption at the FDA

The FDA is all about money
They could care less
if your food is runny
They will take a bribe
So Monsanto can transcribe
If it wasn't sad
It would be funny

Religious zealots on Halloween

When I was young, I would glean
Lots of candy on Halloween
But I usually avoided religious fundies
Who were evil every day but Sundays
They would put pins in the treat
Trying hard to make me obsolete
So avoid them if you can
Or you won't grow up to be a man

Please help me!

Quick hand me a bucket or pail
As I need it most urgently to bail
I don't want to sink
And go down in the drink
Because I might be swallowed by a whale

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Coming next week...

Be prepared for this direction
To a Democrat defection
With the voter dissatisfaction
They'll be a chain reaction
At the coming election

Taking a break from it all

A fellow was late for his train
Felt it was time to abstain
From riding the rails
So he furled his sails
Towards the island of Biscayne

In a word "fear"

I quake when I am around you
Why that occurs I haven't a clue
You're always the one
Who can't be out done
So I flee when you come into view

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Deep thoughts

I have something to say that's not profound
I can express it loudly or without a sound
To the Lord above I have no beef
You've given me life, though only brief
And I am happy I'm still around.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Reading time

I like to snuggle in a nook
Comforting myself with a book
I used to read all the best sellers
But some were rotten, really smellers
Books like that are for a schnook

Monday, October 25, 2010

Better late then never

A fellow was late for his train
Had too much going on in his brain
His driving got wild
And later he was riled
When his car was smashed up by a crane

A fellow was late for his train
Thought his future was down the drain
But his lateness avoided a collision
Which could meant a circumcision
So he really didn't have a reason to complain

A fellow was late for his train
Gave his boss the best excuse he could feign
The reason he was late
Was the train had to wait
After the engineer had a chest pain

A fellow was late for his train
Rapidly drove his car in the rain
When he hit a tree
His soul burst free
Of his earthly body and brain

A fellow was late for his train
Took a flight into Bahrain
Where he discovered oil
Deep in the desert soil
But the locals took it by eminent domain

A fellow was late for his train
Distilled alcohol from grain
He wasn't worried
And never hurried
Cause the fumes damaged his brain

I'm Popeye

I'm Popeye by Rob Hood©10/25/10

I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
I love to go swimmin
With bald headed women
I'm Popeye the sailor man

My repulsive "friend"

Excuse me for this short diversion
But I have a major aversion
Of people who preen
While acting mean
It reeks of a perversion

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Holding it together

It took me ages to acquire
A thing to bind my home entire
My home was of poor construct
The result of a builder who really sucked
Thank heavens for my nice guy wire

Friday, October 22, 2010

At the college baseball draft

With the competition so meager
I was really quite eager
As I licked my chops
Pulling out all stops
To become a major leaguer

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thoughts for the day

I've been all around the bible belt
I've spent time in the land where prophets dwelt
I've studied lore and religion
Much more than a smidgen
And i accept the life that I've been dealt

A moment at the WC

I went to the water closet
To make a personal deposit
I was very stolid
When it came out solid
A non roughage composite

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The slovenly fellow

A fellow whose shirt was all stained
Had no teeth and ate everything strained
What missed his spoon
Flew on him like a typhoon
A bigger utensil could not be obtained

It's a beautiful day

It's a special sunny day
Let's give a big hooray
There's no clouds on the horizon
Living life is what I'm prize'n
Don't live life half way

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

More on hammers

While out swimming on a lark
I spied a hammerhead shark
As I dashed for the shore
Sweat drenched from each pore
Till I found I was in an amusement park

I am such a klutz

Indeed I am all thumbs
When I do crafts with my chums
Yesterday I did flail
Trying to hammer a nail
And it got me in the gums

Monday, October 18, 2010

How I handle stress

I feel great with a hammer and a drill
They are precisely my analytic pill
Why lay on a couch
Developing a pouch
When I can create while not paying a doctor bill

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Some bills need early payment

A fellow whose car had been towed
Had no way to take to the road
So he waited in line
To pay the court fine
Wishing he had earlier paid what he owed

Fear can upset you

A fellow whose car had been towed
Had a deep sense of forebode
His deep fear
Cost him dear
As he ran all the way to the commode

He looked sick

A fellow was feeling quite queasy
Hurled large chunks that looked cheesy
Relieved of that load
He ate pie ala-mode
Then he sat down and took it easy

An interesting idea

When the police wanted to end a crime ring
They thought they developed a remarkable sting
Free HBO for life
For a gun and a knife
But the criminals had a free feed from Beijing

Saturday, October 16, 2010

A lousy day at the ball park

I spent an awful day at the game
The refereeing was largely to blame
Too bad that the ump
Was dumber than Forrest Gump
It gave me the urge to defame

Friday, October 15, 2010

The inspector

The local building inspector
Moonlights as a garbage collector
When he's in a funk
He picks up junk
It's a very haunting spectre

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Prison inmates

Why coddle inmates in an institution
When there's a much better solution
Let them sleep on the floor
Swaddled with an electric blanket
that can be used some more
When it's time for their execution

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A weapon of choice

It's not high hat
To own a firm bat
I purchased a Louisville Slugger
Custom made for a thief or a mugger
Or a rodent resembling a rat

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hemp's fury

When I was using my weed eater
My eyes got glassy, I began to teeter
I suffered from nature's wrath
Because of issues with new math
I didn't know an ounce from a kilometer

Monday, October 11, 2010

A man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who always used to do it in a bucket
To him a toilet was an invention
That he viewed with apprehension
And all he wanted was to chuck it

The Knight

He wore an interesting coat of arms
Which foretold his heraldic charms
His ultra regal bearing
Was on the insignia he was wearing
Both on front and on his forearms

Evil Woman

An attractive but cold-hearted tease
Brought all of the men to their knees
They presented her with candy
Cause she made men feel randy
But alas she was no man's squeeze

Saturday, October 9, 2010

My hair won't stay down!

My hair won't stay down!
I really have the most freaky hair
When anyone sees me they stare
It simply does not ever stay right
When combed with all my might
I fear that I'll never be debonair

Friday, October 8, 2010

Oration advice

When you need to make a speech
Talk loudly, but please don't screech
There's no need to make noise
Just work with your poise
And you'll have the crowd in your reach

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Pam Anderson's problem

When a bit of Pamela burst free, she was taken to court
She was told by the judge that partial nudity was a tort
Pamela was much enraged
So the best attorney she engaged
Who promptly sued Maidenform for lack of support

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Paladino seems like an evil prick
A very stupid Republican pick
The better Republicans around
Must have all skipped town
And the party deserves a kick

D**m bugs

Bugs are everywhere
They seem to have no care
Where they go
Or make their chateau
On your body or in your hair

I missed it!

Oops! I just missed National Vodka Day
But I think that's really okay
I stayed off the juice
Avoided alcohol abuse
That's why I feel healthy today

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

She's dizzy

My eldest daughter
Is like a fish out of water
She works with metal
Warmed by a kettle
When she really needs to solder

Monday, October 4, 2010

Tug of war

As the contestants engaged in a tug of war
Some stayed on their feet, some hit the floor
The crowd would watch
Their favorites botch
Their chances to go on anymore


A naked young woman named May
Was a nudist who just wouldn't stray
Her husband wanted her to wear a dress
But she would never acquiesce
And her male neighbors all shouted hooray

A naked young woman named May
Attended a nudist church each Sunday
She could tell the priest was human
As his member was proudly bloomin'
Much to the bishop's dismay

A naked young woman named May
In Hawaii was presented with a lei
She felt over dressed
And later confessed
That on leaving she threw it away

Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's flu season, y'all

It's flu season, y'all

When I read about Spanish Flu
My fear of pandemics grew
Each year that I get a shot
I reduce these fears a lot
After I stand inside the queue


When you called me a nerd
I found it quite absurd
Nor am I a geek
So don't misspeak
Or you will be deterred

Friday, October 1, 2010

The song of the vampire

I like to stay close, but out of sight
While darting swiftly through the night
When some see blood
They drop down, thud
But I can hardly wait to take a bite

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Why do the years go quicker as we age?
Perhaps shorter memory causes disengage
As we get old
Life seems less controlled
And that is all that I can assuage

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A day in the life

I may be odd
But I am mod
I spend a little time
To make a pleasant rhyme
And then to work I trod

School daze

To my grade school teacher
I was a senseless creature
I wouldn't sit still
Or take a ADHD pill
Paying attention was not my feature

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A ferris moment

When Ferris Bueller first rode the ferris wheel
Historians worldwide deemed the moment surreal
Because on that day
They could portray
His meeting with his namesake, that piece of steel

Monday, September 27, 2010

My climb

Some have a great fear of heights
Above and out of their sights
I climbed the Statue of Liberty
Way up to its tipperty
While the priest below was ready with last rites

Those magic 15 minutes

A woman who yearned for great fame
Believed her domestic abilities quite lame
She simply had not the time
To clean both dirt and grime
While searching for her moment of acclaim

A woman who yearned for great fame
Met a guy who seemed to feel the same
They engaged in intercourse
While awaiting his divorce
Never realizing he engaged in a confidence game

A woman who yearned for great fame
Felt very encumbered by her name
she wanted something nicer
Than Pear Ellis Slicer
And knew her parents were to blame

A woman who yearned for great fame
Was unsatisfied when she became
A movie star
The greatest by far
Because acting was not really her game

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Stie vs sty

Yesterday I got poked in the eye
Today I awoke with a painful stie
As it drips with pus
I begin to cuss
 About the meds I'll need to apply

Saturday, September 25, 2010

It's me, Sherlock

I'm keeping my eye on you
Every time you come into view
With my periscope I can see
All the things you wish to hide from me
And you don't even have a clue

Friday, September 24, 2010


I like to read books that are thrillers
Books of romance are to me just fillers
I idolize the private eye
Finding rules to misapply
In order to catch the serial killers

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I need many eyes to see
I'm a multiple devotee
I look both to the left and the right
As part of my afternoon delight
Thank God I'm a bumble bee

The air head

A gal who was putting on airs
Was frightened by abundant scares
A friend put honey on her dress
And besides making a mess
It attracted a great many bears

Jury duty

When our jury voted quickly to acquit
It was certainly not unexpected, I'll admit
Being on a jury is a boring time
Even when dealing with a racy crime
I wish they'd just decide by judicial writ

The Iditarod

I anxiously awaited the Iditarod race
To race my fellows in that place
I wanted to growl deeply at my pleasure
Reaching octaves no human could measure
But all i could say is "woof" to my disgrace

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Drinking impairs judgment

The last time I got drunk
I was in one hell of a funk
I went up to a kitten
That was there sittin'
But it turned out to be a skunk

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Harry Reid embarrases Kirsten Gillibrand

Harry Reid's been in congress far too long
And he has no sense of right and wrong
He has no tact
And that's a fact
Let's out him in November and then say "So long"


P our out thy wrath
O h mindless idiopath
N ever mind me
T here I am to no degree
I f I were to pay attention
A t me you'd show pretension
C an I expect any better
S ince to you I was a dead letter

Words to the wise

As I wandered through the Natural History Museum
I realized that it was really a mausoleum
To the animals before they died
And are stuffed and then dried
I earnestly say to them carpe-diem

Monday, September 20, 2010

One suit only

A man who owned only one suit
Was an extremely evil brute
He would change clothes
When he needed to impose
His will with his fist or his boot

A man who owned only one suit
Greatly loved the movie "Klute"
He followed Jane Fonda
From New York to Uganda
And then bought a house of ill repute

I'm getting anxious!

I'm waiting with baited breath for your next cartoon
If I become more anxious, I could be declared a loon
Please just make one send
Old pal, my friend
For I may soon bay at the moon

Sunday, September 19, 2010

No fly list

At the airport the fun began
When I had to take a scan
Some metal in my pocket
Went off like a rocket
And I was diverted to Iran

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The mud bath dilemma

A lady took her monthly mud bath at the spa
To keep up with the rest of the bourgeois
But when she went for her clothes
She found they had been disposed
So she had drive home in the raw

Friday, September 17, 2010

Do you get the picture?

The other day I got a mug shot
I was busted for an ounce of pot
Where are the police when you are in need?
Down at the donut shop to get their feed

The Limbo

I danced the Limbo the other day
Leaning backwards in my display
After I was asked by my beau
"Just how low can you go?"

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Ship shape

My woman is in the shape of an hour glass
Large in both places I adore, breasts and ass
Some people tell me I'm politically incorrect
When they say that they show me disrespect
Because she is perfection. no one can surpass

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A scary moment

You could almost hear a pin drop
At the main act under the big top
When the trapeze line broke
The acrobat nearly had a stroke
And all talking came to a full stop

Antiperspirant poisoning

Here is the way that I cope
I wash the d**n things with soap
While others imbibe
What advertisers inscribe
I simply decide to say, "nope"

The teary eyed woman

A woman who readily cried…
Had thoughts of suicide
So she began to see a shrink
Who was employed to think
If her problems were bona fide

A woman who readily cried
Wanted the problem set aside
She followed her quest
To win a beauty contest
So she had her tear ducts tied

A woman who readily cried
Let all of her problems slide
She never allowed herself time to think
As she doused herself with alcoholic drink
Against the ever rising tide

A woman who readily cried
Took her issues nation wide
She gave long talks
To all the hawks
East of the continental divide

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How I get my kicks

Writing a poem to match a cartoon
May be to some just a bit opportune
They give me inspiration
And that is my libation
On many a long and boring afternoon

Hong Kong memories

I used to live in Hong Kong
I thought I'd live there life long
But when the Chinese took over
Life was no longer in clover
So I had to make a swan song

I remember old movies

When was young I was a movie junkie
Watching classics and even those clunky
Sci Fi was just great
How can anyone hate
King Kong the mighty monkey?

Monday, September 13, 2010

A short parody of "Some day my prince will come"

Some day my prints will come
Some day I'll see what I love
And a digital moment it won't be
When those pictures are developed for me

I'm a travelin' man

I love to swim and scuba
In both Bimini and Aruba
I've been around the globe
There's one land left to probe
Please lift the ban on Cuba

Sunday, September 12, 2010

If I had my druthers

I often wish I had been a pal of young Bill Gates
What would it have been like to be one of his mates?
Writing code for my Comodore
Unleashing programs that would soar
Then I would also be one of the greats

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Moldy cheese

Some people urge us not to eat moldy cheese
But as an aficionado of brie I eat it at ease
Without mold there would be no penicillin
Infections would be far worse as a villain
So pass me some Camembert if you please

Friday, September 10, 2010

To my friend Kramer

Your neurologist did a scan of your brain
"It is wired differently" was his refrain
You think out of the box
You are a sly fox
You use humor to help you stay sane

Used cars

I have no faith in the purchase of a used car
That may have spent time with a sole or a gar
Sunk in a hurricane
Dried out and on sale again
Leaves the world with an unethical scar

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The song of the hemorrhoid

I don't mean to be a pain in the ass
It's just that I'm unrefined and crass
My name is Al Lumpkin
I'm a bit of a bumpkin
But at least I don't give you gas

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

November voting

The voters are feeling enraged.
Disappointment’s made Dems disengaged.
And with a GOP win
A balance would begin
And Obama’s plans could be caved

My bad infection

I had a bad nasal infection
That messed up my inflection
When I'd spout
The words came out
In an aimless direction

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A cleaning problem

A cleaning problem

I swallowed a bunch of bull
It made me quite beyond full
Because my s**t
Was full of grit
The toilet had to be cleaned with steel wool

Hindu revisionism

If India changed and ate beef
The cows would exclaim "good grief"
They no longer follow their religion
No, not even a smidgen
It's time to steal away like a thief

Out of mind

My functional mind lacks ink
Making it difficult to think
I'm looking for a pal
A really intelligent gal
To whose mind I'll interlink

Monday, September 6, 2010

My morning ritual

My morning ritual

As I arise up in the morn
From my dreams of sex and porn
I find the need to work out
So my muscles I can flout
So where shall I tread today
After I finish my curds and whey
It's a quandary that I'm in
In an attempt to be healthy and thin
From a distance you may see
I'm in this world as an invitee

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Cheap date

My wife was always a cheap date
Eating late was something she hate
A date made in heaven
If I had one, I'd taken seven
So you can see why she is my mate

Saturday, September 4, 2010

My speedster days

I used to enjoy riding down the road lickity split
Riding that quickly takes a fair amount of grit
When I ran into a pole
I far exceeded my goal
And that is the reason that I had to quit

Friday, September 3, 2010

Get some rest!

You really need to learn to pass the ball
Some evenings when weary, but on-call
If you goof on a case
A life you may erase
And you can be sure your career will forestall

Hello coffee lovers

There’s a fellow who loves his caffeine
Who uses coffee to draw sketches obscene
He draws all through the night
While everyone else sleeps tight
That's why his countenance is green

There's a fellow who loves his caffeine
And he drank so he couldn't dream
His scary dreams at night
Caused him such a fright
That he had to act in extreme

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My new strategy

I'm having trouble getting my clothes to fit
Some are so tight that they actually split
When I hear about a new strategy I try it
...I'm now going to try the see food diet
It's so simple, when I see food I eat it

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

What's your sign?

So tell me what's your sign?
I haven't a clue what's mine
I don't know astrology
Or any other mythology
Or when the planets align

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Clean my car

Why should I give my car a shine?
It's something to travel in
Not a shrine
I don't even give it a wash
And parade around it in my galosh
Just wait! It will be cleaned
By The Divine

Monday, August 30, 2010

Further Bun problems

A man who was known for his buns
Once mooned a busload of nuns
But he was observed
By a gay man who swerved
While out on one of his morning runs

Bun problems

A man who was known for his buns
Had a terrible case of the runs
He took kaopectate
At a dizzying rate
But all he got was re-runs

Hoarding addiction

You need to be able to throw things away
If you really want a place to stay
Clutter is a mess
You have at your address
So you have to lessen your cache

On target

I don't want to be your quarry
Being a a target can be gory
I'll shop at another store
Getting bargains that I adore
So hasta la vista morning glory

Running on empty

Slow but steady wins the race
Except when it's my wife,
I have to face
Luckily I've got no scanner
I can't send it in any manner
So my picture I won't replace

Changing profile pictures

Women seem to change their FB pictures a lot
Especially when their appearance goes to pot
Men don't usually make a change
They don't have make up to re-arrange
And saying so is just a cheap shot

My dream

I wish that I was a tennis star
Playing internationally, I'd go far
I'd travel all around the world
I'd see every flag unfurled
But alas I'm sleeping in my car

Damn you, King Arthur!

I make a curse on King Arthur's courts
May he get boils, pimples and worts
He wouldn't make a knight of me
Though it was my daily plea
And that has got me out of sorts

Decisions, decisions

Do I crack up or do I crack down?
These are words that I ponder
When I go into town
When people are near
I feel austere
Should I wear a smile or a frown?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

My childhood

When I was young, I had trouble in school
No one understood why, I was bright as a rule
When I was first learning, I was slow as molasses
The problem was cured when I got glasses

Getting by

I didn't have time to study the spec sheet
So I decided to invest in a cheat
I went out and had some fun
Then I got the project done
And I finished in a dead heat

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Politically incorrect

People who think from the left
Get angry when another position is heft
When someone beats them on a point
They get completely out of joint
And they consider that their losses are theft

I love week ends!

There are a couple of mornings not to bother me during the week
If you fail to heed my warnings, I'll freak
Weekends are my time
To rest from the daily grime
So please do not get me in a pique

My fabulous idea

I was so certain that my ship had come in
But it was a delusion brought on by gin
I had a fabulous idea
To make gold from urea
But they stashed me in the loony bin

Friday, August 27, 2010

Buffalo Bob was an Indian lad

Buffalo Bob was an Indian lad
Born with ingenuity, he was glad
He built a diner
Where none was finer
And his waitresses were scantily clad

It's Howdy Doody Time!

Buffalo Bob was a renowned puppeteer
When watching "Howdy Doody" I would jeer
Clarabelle was a real clown
But looking at him got me down
Because his smile looked like a sneer

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Mad Shopper

I make purchases purely for fun
But later when the day is done
It becomes one of my concerns
To collect everything for returns
When employees see me they run

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I suck at bowling

My bowling handicap
Leaves quite a gap
I am a lousy bowler
I'll never be a high roller
So now I quit, everybody clap

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The School Meet

Three schools were racing
At speeds beyond their pacing
The anchovy, carp and grouper
Were stopped by a state trooper
Who for an hour had been chasing

The good old bad old days

In the old days when I went to school
Things weren't like now, they weren't cool
The teachers were mean
And they were quite keen
To place us facing the wall on a stool

Monday, August 23, 2010

On Tiger and Elin's divorce

It's really too bad I'm unavailable
She's getting $500 million payable
The interest alone
Would be my stepping stone
To wealth unassailable

TV Dinners

I want my TV Dinner
Unfrozen, that's a winner
Veggies and meat
Can't be beat
But with a dessert
I won't get thinner

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Heroin withdrawal

A man who loved doing tricks
Badly needed a heroin fix
Because of his trouble
He began to see double
And nausea and vomiting were
Part of his mix

A fellow who liked to do tricks

A fellow who liked to do tricks
Used microscopic fleas and ticks
They'd fling themselves around
On a trapeze, off the ground
And do somersaults for the hicks

A tricky guy

A fellow who loved doing tricks
Kept adding daring acts to his mix
The crowd was amazed
Some people even dazed
And he did everything for kicks

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My fish tank

I bought a large fish tank
That is classy and swank
I use it as an animal terrarium
Which becomes as an aquarium
When I make them walk the plank

Riots make me feel ill at ease

I always get disquiet
When witnessing a riot
I want to get away
So I can be astray
And get some peace and quiet

What a way to lose a job

I just got the axe
I'm insulted to the max
I've done this job
Like a regular slob
Till I got this g**d*** fax

I love salt!

If you have a need for salt
I'll give you a reason to exalt
I'm an executive director
Of a salt collector
That I keep within a vault

Friday, August 20, 2010

On the Isle

We're here on our little piece of land
Lush and beautiful, covered in sand
When will they parachute our pizza pie?
...We wait fervently searching the sky
I may just have to order another brand

Thursday, August 19, 2010


As I sit upon my chair
I have an urge to share
Why you just take a nap
Securely sitting on my lap
You can remain without a care

My life as a nerd

I'm straining my eyes on my computer
I have no time for people
It's my only suitor
When I find something really neat
I get an enormous urge to tweet
And it may look plain or something cuter

My visit to the ear doctor

I had wax removed from my ears
My hearing improved by light years
I can now get rid of the mute
Though those captions were cute
And get rid of deafness as one of my fears

Take me out to the ball game

I always want the very best seat
In the shade and out of the heat
I can only afford one box
Near home and by the clocks
So you'll have to go dutch treat

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Pour me another drink

Pour me a river
Or just a sliver
I want to drink
So I can't think
Until I destroy my liver


The British have a way of speaking about a cat
That seems to make little sense
How did they arrive at that?
It's not near the English that I like to speak
If I spoke that way, I'd feel like a freak
Maybe it's because I'm not high hat

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Harry Reid and the First Amendment

Harry Reid's in a very tight race
So of course he'll do an about face
To get elected
He must do the unexpected
With politicians you can't expect grace

AT&T and me

AT&T's service is appalling
Their employees are always stalling
I get nervous
When I use their service
So on their competition I am calling

Getting your idea across

Getting your idea across

An idea can be extremely heavy work
Getting it out might require a quirk
You need to structure a thought
That you have wrought
Or you might go berserk

Old MacDonald

I often wondered why
Old MacDonald had to die
The answer was in his title
He was old said statistics vital

The message in a bottle

The message in a bottle

Yesterday as I was walking on the beach
I discovered a bottle floating, just out of reach
I struggled to reach it and got it out
I then noticed a paper within it's snout
The words were very meaningful to me
I wondered who set it upon the sea
I rushed home to show it to my brother
The words simply said "Love each other"

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Diva and the media

A diva was slammed in the news
For singing only the blues
She was operatically trained
But she often refrained
Because she didn't like Verdi's views

More about drinking

Drinks are on me!
With my two bottles I know you'll agree
Let us be pals
Before we go home to our gals
And they give us the third degree

I bought a couple of bottles

I went to liquor store
And bought two things I adore
Bourbon and Scotch
Will raise me notch
And I won't know the ceiling from the floor

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My horse

I took a evening ride on my night mare
She had a pedigree that was quite rare
She had blazing speed
No one could impede
That made everyone gape and stare

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Ode to the onion

Why must you cry?
Onions keep us spry
I drink to your good health
Because health equals wealth
Now please serve me onions on rye

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Good Old Days

I used to be a soda jerk
I was paid little, but got many a perk
Women would often flock to me
"Make me an egg cream" was their plea
Those were pleasant days and nights
Evenings spent in sheer delight
But now I'm old and when I'm weary
I think of those days and I get teary

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Grocery shopping

When I go to the grocery store
I want cheap prices and even more
I like things fresh
Both veggies and flesh
To put inside my fridge door

My bitching rights

I very much like to bitch
Each time I get the itch
I'm not a female
I'm a real male
And I don't want to switch

An enthusiast lady

A nymphomaniac who was well endowed
Enjoyed being continuously ploughed
She screamed to her lover
Who often would hover
Quitting is simply not allowed

An inside job

A woman who hated high tech
Hired a geek to be her exec
She never had a clue
That her business was askew
Till she bounced many a check

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Why on earth?

Why on earth must there be cereal killers?
For me Cheerios and Raisin Bran are thrillers
I love their wholesome taste
Their destruction is a waste
Why can't they just go after distillers?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Negative body image

A woman who worked for her dad
Wanted her breasts trimmed down just a tad
For they were so big
That they zagged and they zigged
And in a flexible bra she needed to be clad

Out of odor

I never had a great sense of smell
I wasn't aware, so I could not tell
As for sensing an odor
God gave me a lousy decoder
But I miss stinky stuff, so what the hell

Monday, August 9, 2010

I hate hamsters!

Hamsters are nothing but rats
I release them and then watch the cats
They play with them a little
But when they turn brittle
I toss into garbage vats

The folly of enlargements

A lady in the air corps
Didn't want her breasts small anymore
She pumped up those orbs
With as much silicone they could absorb
But she couldn't get out of the door

Sunday, August 8, 2010

One heck of a house keeper

My wife cleans the carpets with a Bissell
Getting up all the dirt and the gristle
The floor is so clean
When I get home I lean
On the couch in the den and I whistle

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Parody of "Fly me to the moon".

"Fly me to the moon".

Fly me to the moon on the wings of flies
Get me there quick before one dies
In another words get to the skies
In another words, darling swat me
Fill this song with flies
So I can cast off my disguise
Tell me what life is about and all the other lies
In another words, I want new highs
In another words, please be wise

Friday, August 6, 2010

Communicating with native peoples

Before Indians learned to say how
Sign language worked for the low and high brow
And if at a distance
They'd remain coexistent
Through whatever smoke signals would allow

Learning on the internet

Does it take you a you tube presentation to learn how
Methods to fix Windows 7 or milk a cow?
If I didn't have the net
I'd lay you a bet
There were other ways to learn that up to now

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Gay Marriage

Marriage should be for everyone, can't you see?
Gays should be as miserable as the rest of we
It's not enough just to live in sin
Marriage is not fun when love grows thin
Unmarried people don't understand that while they are free

The power of words

Once upon a time happy equaled gay
"Gay" was an innocuous word we would say
It was a pleasant word that made us feel glad
And never uncomfortable, ambivalent or sad
Now we find it's an expression that's in the way

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A rather sad tale

A woman who worked for her dad
Always walked around rather sad
He was always on her case
Every time and every place
Since she changed to a gal from a lad

Toupee or not toupee, that is the question

Toupee or not toupee, that is the question

Do you keep your head warm with a toupee?
Do you use it in order to cover the gray?
These are not just questions
In fact, I want suggestions
So I can rationalize my display

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The problem with bananas

Bananas are my favorite food
I like them sliced or even cubed
But bananas may become extinct
They have no seeds by which they're linked
Scientists need to fix this or we are screwed

Monday, August 2, 2010

The lascivious lady

That lascivious lady is a major flirt
She wears no undies under her skirt
And if she near
I'll get out of here
Because I don't want to be called a pervert

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Paying attention

Paying attention is hard for me
I need multi-tasking to be free
When I have the time
I will write a rhyme
But we are friends, I agree

Wild or mild?

Girls gone wild is an exciting title
If they performed mild,
They'd more vital
They could wildly play their songs
To enormously growing throngs
Or play more gently at a recital

Days of awe

When I was a child
I was very beguiled
I was filled with awe
By what I saw
On summer days
That were mild

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Thoughts of a baseball pitcher

Yesah, Nosuh, I don't know which
The catcher seems uncertain when I pitch
Do I have the nerve
To throw a blooming curve
I need to develop a knuckle ball to have a niche

Too much of a good thing

Too much of a good thing

I ate at The Potato Mash
And saved a lot of cash
I ate many spuds
Beer and suds
Until I developed quite a rash

Noah's dilemma

Noah had an ark
That he couldn't park
With no marina near
His on sea career
Was about to go dark

Friday, July 30, 2010

Morning or Mourning

Morning or Mourning

Don't count on me if you die
I'm a bit too old to cry
I'm not a mourning person
Sadness makes me worsen
So I'll give you an advance good-bye

I like you
I really do
But I don't function well in the morning
It sneaks up on me without warning
And often I am blue

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Beware of teenage beauties!

Some beautiful women are nothing but jail bait
Touch them and you'll be honored with a jail mate
You'll be doing time
For a statutory crime
And when you get out, you might not be straight

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A guy in a polka dot tie

A guy in a polka dot tie
Had a job as a spy
As he worked out each intricate detail
He got further behind on his quail
And then everything went awry

A guy in a polka dot tie
Felt like he was about to die
With a staph infection
There was no injection
That anyone could apply

Wearing a tie

I wonder who created the need for a tie
I'd personally like to meet this guy
I really hate that knot
And any cravat ascot
I'd pop him one, right in the eye

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Life at the Roach Motel

Today I woke up in a seedy motel
That reminded me of a local jail cell
There were roaches on the floor
And mice by the score
I wasn't sure I was on earth or in hell

Monday, July 26, 2010

I don't shake up easily

I don't shake up easily

Some people become unglued
Whenever a cockroach is viewed
But I have a large selection
In my bug collection
And they are just part of my brood

Sunday, July 25, 2010

She's not affectionate

She's not affectionate

She's not what I would call warm
Her feelings have another form
But she will embrace
And cover me with grace
Whenever there is a bad storm

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I was sailing along

Ship happens, so I've been told
One day you're sailing along
Next you're out in the cold
When you're on a boat
You hope it will flow
Cause swimming with sharks
Is for whom the bell tolled

My dentist

My dentist is from the deep south
He seems so pleased when I open my mouth
Amid the decay and halitosis
He gets so excited he could get thrombosis
For in that valley so very wide
There's gold and silver deep inside
He is quite gentle and I feel no pain
As he uses his drill again and again
So I grab my tooth brush and the ointment
Because I don't want to be late for my appointment

Rewriting history

Rewriting history

I'll tell you a story
That won't be long
About some things
In history that don't belong

I was on deck that fateful day
It was very foggy and we lost our way
We hit an ice field. Yes we hit it hard
We tore off large chunks and just left a shard

The ice field's manager screamed "You have trespassed
Turn around" he said, "Or you'll be gassed"
So that is why I now have this cough
My captain laughed and then he scoffed

Yep I got ill on that very day
But I will sue, cause that's the American way

My thoughts when approaching a yield sign

If I yield to thee
I won't be free
But if I arrive
While still alive
Such rationale
I can contrive.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Limerick Time

Here's my sign
I like to dine
I exercise
because its wise
after I get out
of the chow line.

I'm wet behind the ears
I've been this way for years
But I can shop
Until I drop
Because I get my stuff from Sears

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Pass the back scratcher, please!

A woman I know who's a bitch
Tried hard to scratch her itch
It became such a pain
As she tried it again
That her body began to twitch

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My singing ability

I sing in a barbershop quartet
I began by losing on a bet
When I sing Sweet Adeline
Nearby animals begin to whine
As for matching Caruso, I'm no threat

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A relationship

A woman with sev’ral degrees
Was into the birds and the bees
She slept with her cat
who chased after a rat
and she woke up with the fleas

No barking allowed here

The feline world has imposed a "no barking" zone
And now my dogie communicates by cell phone
Whenever he's embarking
He's always remarking
About which butcher supplies the best bone

Monday, July 19, 2010

My dinner at the "All You Can Eat"

My dinner at the "All You Can Eat"

i just ate at an "All You Can Eat".
The clientele there was not petite
People ate many sweets
They just loved those treats
and when they looked down,
They could not see their feet

Saturday, July 17, 2010

This thought is brought to you by The City of Thought

Welcome to the town of Thought.
Please be as kind as you've been taught
If you aren't nice
You'll pay the price
And you may leave here overwrought

Friday, July 16, 2010

The "Yes Man"

My very best friend is a professional brown nose
He always says "yes", that's the role he has chose
He stridently follows the boss
Through gain or through loss
If he came from the front, he'd step on his toes

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Fractional difficulties

Five of every three persons have trouble with fractions
They are severely poor in mathematical transactions
If they'd learn to divide
They're problems would subside
And they'd be guilty of less monetary infractions

My insane hobby

Skiing on Mt Everest is the best
I challenge you fulfill this quest
We have to climb to get to the top
It's quite dangerous, so ignore the drop
Don't follow me if you're not obsessed

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The fear factor

When an iceberg hit the Titanic
The passengers began to panic
They had deep fear
Which was very clear
Of drowning in the Atlantic

R.I.P. George Steinbrenner

The Yankees are a great team
And they're usually up to steam
If you really wonder why
It's what money will buy
Big spending gets the cream

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Gore that ox

I saw an ox
Down by the docks
But now its meat
That I can eat
From my freezer box

Is anyone up for an oxymoron?

I did it "accidentally on purpose", what does that mean?
Take some "mind-expanding drugs" and see what we can glean
You are truly "my worst favorite" friend
We work in "military intelligence" without end
This poem has made me "mildly psychotic" but it's clean.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The dim wit

A guy with his foot in a cast
Had no interest in the past
He ignored parents and teachers
And all of the intelligent creatures
Thus his ineptitude was vast

Whole Hog

Pork is the other white meat
It's flavor is said to be a great treat
But if you are labeled a hog
You're treated like a dog
So is that really something you should eat?

A bit of whimsy

South pork is in the land down under
Why their actors are all hams I wonder
I bought a chop
At the butcher shop...
I'll get trichinosis if they blunder

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Don't pull the covers!

A gal who looked young for her years
Was saddened with many large tears
Each time she took a lover
He'd pull off the bed cover
And find her to be not as she appears

Today I went shopping

I went to the outlet mall
And I really had a ball
I bought electronics
And many telephonics
And I plugged them in the wall

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Jaimie Lee Curtis and Activa

I've got a really vicious case of the trots
I'm using paper hoping my butt clots
I just tried this regime
But I'm not on the beam
For Jaimie Lee I no longer have the hots

Judgemental criticism

2 of my friends quarreled over whether poetry should rhyme and if rhyming was necessary, not rhyming was a crime. Here is my take on it.

When is a rhyme a crime?
Is it nasty and covered with slime?
If it's his best work
Please don't be a jerk
It could turn out to be sublime.

Ace reporters

We are very essential to our group
We have no time to stop or even stoop
We keep reporting
While others are sporting
And in the end we get the scoop

The comet

I'm speeding through the frontier
Well above the earth's atmosphere
Where I'm going
I won't be knowing
When on Hubble I appear

Yea! I'm a father!

I was an old cell
On the path to hell
But since I divided
My anguish subsided
Now I feel really swell

Quotes from "The Diary of Octomom"

I wanted to be extremely fertile
So I never wore a tight girdle
I tried every position
To complete my mission
And I passed every hurdle

The under achiever

I lacked common sense
and I was very tense
But my doctor told me don't be glum
Because lad you're not really dumb
You are very dense.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Getting old is a bummer

I'm looking for something that I can't find
What is it? I don't know It slipped my mind
Getting old is a bummer
Especially in midsummer
Perhaps you can help remind me. Be kind!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I love the music of Kenny G

Kenny G has a remarkable sound
His musical ability will astound
His sound is so pure
Wild animals he can lure
They will walk tamed to the pound

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Miss Dorion Gray

A gal who looked young for her years
Than any of her old childhood peers
Her main reason to revel
Was a deal with the devil
She'll see hell when the smoke clears

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Mime issues

A mime tries not to talk
And wonders on a walk
Why others do not speak
And their outlook is bleak
When I get so close, I stalk

Monday, July 5, 2010

My review of Twilight films

Twilight is a movie that woman seem to love
To get their spouses to view it takes a shove
Men like to see
More activity
I think these movies should be banned by the Gov!

The beekeeper

I can't see the florist through the bees
It's just a little honey I want to tease
I never want to waste
So I don't rush in haste
When I smoke the hive I take what I can seize

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I'm so sleepy!

Sleep apnea often keeps me awake
I sleep so little I feel like a zombie sheik
If I could find a theme
To dream a perfect dream
Maybe science can give me a break

Entomology exposed

Entomology is truly my game
My collection of bugs brings acclaim
I get such a thrill
When I make a kill
An exterminator and I are nearly the same

When I grow up

When I grow up, I want to be
Something different, to a degree
I want to travel thru the land
Doing nothing that is bland
Wild and young and on a spree!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Pain issues

Jess is hurt from head to toe
His pain is both high and low
If it happens to me
I think we can agree
That I'd lose my get up and go!

Memories of Dragnet

"Just the facts Ma'am" Friday said
Now I see the victim is lying dead
If he was shot
While on the pot
Why is he on the floor spread?

All about Mike

I'll tell you a story about Mike
Sadly he was an illiterate tyke
He couldn't read
But he could feed
Now he's fertilizing down the pike

Friday, July 2, 2010

A time sharing pitch

Kindly please turn off your cell
Noises are what we want to quell
We want your full attention
At this important convention
Because we are here to sell

Calendar reminders

Thirty days hath September
Penned by Ben F in all his splendor
Most of his sayings are really cute
But this one especially is a beaut
Because it helps me plan and remember

Black people and camping out

Black people don't like to camp
They want to avoid the damp
But if white people go
They'll be there, Bro
So don't forget the battery lamp

The pig in me

Old songs bacon me back to the day
When petrol didn't consume a third of my pay
A pig was a pig was a pig
Organic food was not big
And terrorists didn't try to blow us away!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

My middle name

I hate my middle name!
My parents are to blame
They repeated my first
I feel forever cursed
It's a dirty rotten shame!

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
I hurt badly when it stung my shoulder
Getting hold of a bee
Takes real strategy
My mom hopes I get wiser when I'm older!

Brain burn out

On a hot muggy day in July
A pink elephant I did spy
When it gets really hot
My brain tends to clot
And I become a less rational guy!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I can't think straight!

I can't seem able to make up my mind
My thoughts and words are not aligned
I don't have words to talk
No not even to squawk
So in a sense, I'm speaking blind

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Why I still have cable

I don’t have a dish, but I have cable
Weaning my wife off it I’m not able
But the internet connection is a treat
And high speed cable can’t be beat
It’s all sitting there on my table!

Those hot summer days

On a hot, muggy day in July
My A/C broke and I thought I'd die
So I called my regular insurance man
Blaming it on a storm was my plan
So everyone don't be shy, even you can
tell a lie!

My poem was just in jest. I do not really do things like that and hope that no one thinks ill of me!

Gay Pride Parade

I really enjoy and love a parade
but of attending one like this I'd be afraid
It's not that I'm a homophobe
I've got gay friends round the globe
but I don't want them to believe I can be swayed,

Monday, June 28, 2010

By the sea

I go swimming in the ocean
Every time I get the notion
Today I saw a swimming pig
Dressed in a fancy diving rig
And making a big commotion

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My time as a plumber

We needed to unclog our pipe
So I decided to take a swipe
Why should we call the plumber
although you got his number
When I can clean out the tripe

Friday, June 25, 2010

Dangerous trivia games

We partied in Bolivia
I and my wife Olivia
But she got mad
When I flunked bad
At a game of marriage trivia!

Drunk as a skunk

A fellow who drank to excess
Got into a magnificent mess
His friends tied him to a chair
And he looked idiotic there
As he was left in a state of undress.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My prayer

I often pray while looking high
Above the earth, up in the sky
It seems to work
So I won't shirk
Thank heavens elephants can't fly!

Dealing with oppressive situations

Butt out alien, I was told
In a way hurtful and cold
So I got a group together
Who were birds of a feather
And changed how things were controlled.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The ventriloquist's origin

I've got a puppet on my knee
That I got for free
It speaks it's mind
while I'm behind.
It was made from an elm tree

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Don't act on a whim

A woman succumbed to a whim
That’s a story that is quite grim
She wanted to be operated on in a cave
A hospital bed bill she thought she’d save
But the lighting was rather dim

Earth shoes

Earth shoes are so sublime
They help my feet all the time
They cushion my feet
In a way that's so neat
To lose them would be a crime!

Monday, June 21, 2010

My friend counts ants as a hobby

Counting ants seems like fun for the easily amused
But how many do you count when they are fused?
They need to have sex
Which may be complex
Please answer this question while you are enthused

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Warming controversy

The earth is warming
It has been forming
For several eons
Don't blame us peons
For what nature is performing

Weather or not

Scientists study about the weather
Many of them are birds of a feather
They blame mankind
For troubles they find
Perhaps self-hate is their tether.

Who the h**l am I?

Who am I? What is me?
What things about me can you see?
I love to hear a bit of whit
In my mind it seems to fit
With poetry I feel free!

Columbus discovers Columbus

When Columbus sailed the sea
Was he looking for Earl Gray tea?
He lost his way
At an Ohio quay
Sailing all his vessels three

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Do you have the blues?

If you are sadder
What's the matter
It's just a mood
So do not brood
Soon you'll feel gladder

Custer's last stand revisited

A peacenik sold lemonade
While hiding in the shade
The fans cheered Custer
With all they could muster
But he lost his whole brigade

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The secret of a happy marriage

These are the lines of my life
I am happily married to my wife
We sleep in separate rooms
As our friendship blooms
It's a pleasure bereft of strife!

A fearful forecast

I dreamed about Attila the Hun
A leader who conquered and won
He defeated the Roman
I see the dream as an omen
For arming myself with a gun!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Assorted limericks


A pompous conductor named Claude
Led by a method that was flawed
As he raised his large baton
Whole groups he would con
Since they never guessed him a fraud.

A pompous conductor named Clyde
Stood close to the sea at high tide
When his baton was raised
People were always amazed
When they saw the seas start to divide

A fellow who had an affair
Never wore any underwear
When someone knocked on the door
He found dressing an impossible chore
So he left the place rather bare!

An infamous author named Gene
Was extremely callous and mean
He was a louse to his wife
For all their married life
Till she added arsenic to her cuisine.

A creative young woman named Ro
had to look high and low for a beau
Then she found an agreeable man
Who kept her treasures in a van
But he turned out to be a real shmoe!

A fellow who hated to clean
Angered his wife, Arlene
So he hired a young girl
Who did work in a swirl
Since she was juiced on caffein!

An elderly woman named Ellen
Wanted to circle the world
like Magellan
But she was too old
And not enough bold
To pay what the tourist
agent was sellen!

A hard-working fellow named Zeke…
Used to work every day of the week
But each night was for romance
And he would always dance
Together with his sweetheart
cheek to cheek!

A brassy old woman named Joan
Didn’t know corn from a pone
And when she ate grits
She most always had fits
Cause corn put her out of the zone.

A romantic young fellow named Will,
Used to bring his ladies to his still.
They greatly enjoyed his brew.
Made from the best mountain dew
which he tried very hard not to spill.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Leery About Elena

The Republicans will vote against nearly every nomination
It doesn’t matter what one’s done or what’s their station
it’s all about the fact that they are across the aisle
They want to let all their constituents have a smile
So please don’t let this process fill you with frustration

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Romantic Verse

A romantic young fellow named Will,
Used to bring his ladies to his still.
They greatly enjoyed his brew.
Made from the best mountain dew
which he tried very hard not to spill.

Jupiter loses a stripe

Its observed Jupiter has lost a stripe
And now scientists have a new gripe
Conservatives may have much to say
Why the stripe has lost its way
and MSM will be blessed with new type

Jupiter has lost one of its prominent stripes, leaving its southern half looking unusually blank. Scientists are not sure what triggered the disappearance of the band.

Jupiter's appearance is usually dominated by two dark bands in its atmosphere – one in the northern hemisphere and one in the southern hemisphere.

But recent images taken by amateur astronomers show that the southern band – called the south equatorial belt – has disappeared.

The band was present at the end of 2009, right before Jupiter moved too close to the sun in the sky to be observed from Earth. When the planet emerged from the sun's glare again in early April, its south equatorial belt was nowhere to be seen.
No cover

This is not the first time the south equatorial belt has disappeared. It was absent in 1973 when NASA's Pioneer 10 spacecraft took the first closeup images of the planet and also temporarily vanished in the early 1990s.

The bands may normally appear dark simply because pale, high-altitude clouds prevalent in other regions of the planet are missing there, revealing darker clouds below, says Glenn Orton of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California. "You're looking into different layers of the cloud structures of the planet," he told New Scientist.

According to this theory, the south equatorial belt disappears when whitish clouds form on top of it, blocking our view of the darker clouds. But it is not clear what causes these whitish clouds to form in the south equatorial belt at some times and not others, Orton says.

The disappearance of the belt comes at a time of widespread – but mysterious – change on Jupiter, which has seen changes to the colour of other bands and spots in its atmosphere. "There has been a lot going on," Orton says.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A fun holiday is coming!

May 12th is International limericks Day! Here is a limerick to commemorate that occasion

It’s Limerick Day — did you hear —
It needs to be every day of the year
I like them both ribald or refined
They help me through the daily grind
So I raise a brew to thee Edward Lear

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A limerick in honor of Mothers Day

A hard-working mother named May
Had very little time for play
Although she worked very hard
Her disposition was not marred
So she felt very pleased every day

Monday, May 3, 2010

Another limerick 5/3/10

An eccentric soprano named Brett
Used to cap underwater oil wells on a bet
And it is really so sad
her abilities have gone bad
So Gulf Coast needs can't be met

Assorted limericks by moi

An eccentric soprano named Brett
Voted for every politician she met.
She voted for Herr Obama
and despite all the trauma
She didn't have any regret

A wealthy old woman named Kate
Went fishing with scorpion as bait
She liked things her exotic
Twas something hypnotic
When it stung she didn’t feel great.

A miserly fellow name Joe
Had a fall and injured his toe
It took a turn bad
And was quite sad
Cause when the docs
wanted to operate
he said, no.


There once was a baker, Lenore
who cultured yeast into something more
As she started to drink
she lost her ability to think
And couldn’t tell the ceiling from the floor

A symphony cellist named Kate
Grew bigger from the food she ate.
When eating a whole veal
Met he requirements for a meal.
She used her kitchen table as a plate

An unemployed person named Nick
When working usually took sick
He excelled in excuses
He used many ruses
Cause working was not a scene he’d pick

A woman whose hair was quite gray,
Was opinionated with lots to say
She’d talk a blue streak
Endlessly each week
As she frightened her beaus away.


There’s a hint of sweet spring in the air
and I have a peaceful feeling, quite rare
Though bullets may fly
in both June and July
On my spring vacation I haven’t a care.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I apologize!

I apologize! by Rob Hood©2-2-10

I'm sorry for the wretched way that i acted.

For all the anger and sadness my words impacted.

If I could only go back in time

and delete my words of dirt and grime,

I could have avoided making you sad

I'd feel much better, yes I'd be glad!

But alas that cannot be.

So you can see the idiot that's me.